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People, like prescription drugs, should have to list the side effects they`re likely to cause.
Oh the pranks I would pull if I were invisible
My 83 year old neighbor got pulled over for speeding. She told the cop she had to hurry before she forgot where she was going.
Just took a "Try Me" sticker off one of the plush toys at Wal-Mart and stuck it on a condom box.
I`ll be a morning person when it`s Christmas.
I`m such a thrill seeker, when I see a ‘Caution, Wet Floor’ sign, I walk faster...
All these people are talking about finding Jesus, finding love, finding themselves... I`m like I found 63 cents and four Fritos in the couch!
Actually officer, I`d prefer to think that vodka smells like me.
Instead of `What`s on your mind?` Facebook should say `Just relax on the couch and tell me all about your problems. Don`t worry, nobody will know`..
You know why it`s called almond milk? Cuz you can`t say nut juice with a straight face
Dear Fox news,I have yet to see any news about foxes. Sincerely, disappointed viewer.
Facebook should make it to where it says, `Went from being in a relationship` to `Problem solved.`
Sometimes I send status updates from my phone so it looks like I left the house.
A good friend will bail you out of jail. A great friend will be handcuffed next to you saying that was fun
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.