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I have decided to stop doing things "Like a Boss" and will now do things "Like a Rhinestone Cowboy."
According to the law it`s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
If you`ve never put fake blood capsules in your mouth before going to the dentist you are too mature to be my friend.
People assume when I yawn that I’ve lost interest in what they have to say but truth be told, I was never interested.
There`s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Are you thinking what I`m thinking? ... F**king pervert. I`m calling the cops.
Ordering a water with lemon says “I’m too cheap to buy a drink, but I still like a little zing.”
I just decorated my bedroom to look like my desk at work so I can fall sleep faster.
3 wishes for when I find a genie: 1. The more I eat the skinnier I get 2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist 3. Other kid owns a winery
You couldn`t handle me even if I came with instructions.
Roses are Red Violets are Blue, If I had a brick, I`d throw it at you.
How many people actually tell everyone that you said Hi.
Exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors. - Jehovah`s Fitness.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says "I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there"