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The reason good men are hard to find is because they`re usually too busy working.
Going to McDonalds for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug.
Today is Friday the 13th. Try not to be a teenage girl in her underwear at night at a deserted summer camp today.
Sunglasses allow you to stare at people without getting caught. It`s like facebook in real life.
The only problem with sarcasm is, it only works on intelligent people.
Hey ladies, you know that feeling you get when you roll over & realize you made a horrible mistake? I could give that to you every day.
There`s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you`re blowing up a rubber glove.
I made this margarita with my kids` slushie machine ... Don`t judge
I wish people were like Internet videos and you could tap them lightly to see a clock of how much longer they`re going to be talking.
Whenever I hear someone say “STOP” my brain says “Hammer Time”
Maybe don`t show me a picture if you don`t want me to rate your baby.
I was driving thru Farmville and I had to pee ... so I pulled over and fertilized your crops
Life is like a bowl of soup; you only get blown if you’re hot.
I don`t get in trouble, I just get into questionable situations.
You know a woman really loves you when she vandalizes your car after an argument.