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I love a good nap. Sometimes it`s the only thing that gets me out of bed in the morning.
Men, remember to re-stock the spiders this weekend so she remembers why she keeps you around.
Tonight I plan on drinking until I`m someone else`s problem
Don`t run with scissors -- unless you`re stealing scissors, of course. If so, run. Run like the wind scissor thief!
It only takes one slow walking person in the grocery store to destoroy the illusion that I am a nice person.
The fastest way to get someone to call you back is to take a shower.
I`m just wondering what the employees at the Weather Channel make small talk about.
The sound of children laughing makes me happy. Unless I`m home alone and my power goes out.
"Mounting debt" sounds way sexier than it is.
I know some of you would find it hard to believe, but I don`t say everything that pops into my head. I don`t think the average person could handle it.
When your boss says "You need help", he never means a hitman.
Actually, when I went to New Orleans, I blacked out too.
Walmart does not have a dildo section. But it`s always fun to ask their employees if they do.
People at work tell me I have a lot of patience. Fact is… there are just way too many witnesses around
Based on the number of smoke breaks they take, I’m pretty sure the only reason my co-workers have a job is to pay for their cigarettes.