Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Look up procrastinator on Wikipedia and you`ll see a picture of me. Well there isn’t yet, but there will be. Probably by tomorrow. Maybe Tuesday.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
I´m not lazy, I´m just highly motivated not to do anything.
It`s not the torch she carries for me that has me worried, it`s the gas can in her other hand.
When life is stressful, do something to lift your spirits. Go for a drive. Go two or three thousand miles away. Maybe change your name.
I`m the crazy bitch you`ll never forget.
Found a baby snake in my backyard while mowing. Long story short, I don`t have to mow anymore since my yard is on fire.
Me at age 5 "I wish I had a $1" Me at age 10 "I wish I had $100" Me at age 17 "I wish I had $1,000,000" Me at age 26 "I wish I had $1"
There are a lot of side effects to smoking weed. Like never shutting up about the fact that you smoke weed.
Wife fell asleep on the couch so I drew a spider on her glasses with dry erase marker. And now we wait...
never trust a man in a wheelchair with dirty shoes
We Should Have A Way Of Telling People Their Breath Stinks Without Hurting Their Feelings. Like: "I`m bored, let`s go brush our teeth"
I`ll bet I`m the only one in this grocery store with "sh!t for tacos" on my shopping list.
You know you are getting old when a bunch of annoying teenagers get murdered in a horror movie and you relate more with the killer.
People think I`m a hugger, but I`m actually shaking them down for snacks.