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There are no bad pictures. That`s just how your face looks sometimes.
I like restaurants because the people have to be nice and feed you.
You know how people dread going to the dentist? I feel that way about getting out of bed.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
Some of these Giraffe profile pictures are a vast improvement.
So how old does a highway have to be before you tell him he`s adopted?
Love is a two way street but you have to be careful because women can’t drive.
The secret to a successful lemonade stand is vodka.
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
you know it`s a good fart when it wakes you from a dead sleep and you pull a butt muscle at the same time.
If someone doesn`t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don`t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
When I get bored I go to a car dealership and ask the salesman to lay in the trunk so I can "see how many I`ll be able to fit"
I like to say my kid handles funds for a multi-billion dollar corporation. It`s easier than saying he is a cashier at McDonald`s
If you think your girlfriend has a great sense if humor, try leaving a trail of rose petals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes.
One of these days I’ll realize that leaning forward in my car while accelerating does not make it go any faster.