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I really would love to see two mimes arguing.
The olympics is the only time when you hear "Great execution by North Korea" and it seems okay.
When I die I want my body donated to science, but more specifically a scientist who is working on bringing dead guys back to life…
Dear, automatic flushing toilet, I appreciate the enthusiasm.... But I wasn`t finished.
Very few things upset my wife. So, it makes me feel rather special to be one of them.
I’ve just woken up, and it appears that Earth is temporarily safe from harm & currently doesn’t need my assistance, so I’m going back to bed.
Here`s a crazy concept, maybe I`m not in a bad mood, angry, or a bitch. Maybe I said it because it`s true and I meant it. Marinate on that.
I was sitting on the toilet when the guy in the stall next to me started smoking. Disgusting. I nearly couldn`t finish my sandwich.
I`m not leaving here without some kind of balloon
"Spring Ahead" this weekend for Daylight Saving Time proves there is a much quicker way than Facebook to lose an hour in your life....
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is. She`s not dead, just very condescending.
I`m not sure who`s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
A girl updated her facebook status saying: All men are dogs and I commented • Which breed is your dad?
Setting an alarm is how we ruin days that haven`t even started yet.
I`m more indecisive than a John in a brothel with gold credit card.