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Hello 911? Do you think i`m pretty?
3 things I will never understand: 1. The meaning of life. 2. The universe. 3. How Spongebob & Patrick made those sounds effects in that box.
Still waiting for a "Where are they now?" episode about the Flintstones
I`m going to get one of those "My Family" stick figure decals for the back of my car. It`s going to be me, a bottle of whiskey, and a pizza.
"I don`t know why people dislike jury duty. I think being able to play god with others` lives sounds fun!" - How I got out of jury duty
When I hear someone say, "chicken pot pie," I get excited three times.
Dear Equifax hackers, Please delete my student loan balance, my medical bills and change my credit score to 850. Thanks.
I’m going to start responding to videos people post of their babies on Facebook with videos of me getting nine hours of sleep.
Leaving your window open for an hour and the cast from f*cking Bugs Life decided to start producing their second movie.
I guess I need to buy some new drink coasters because I finally ran out of AOL free trial CDs.
I thought there was a spider on the rug, but it was just some yarn. It’s dead yarn now, though.
my girlfriend does that cute thing, where she doesnt exist.
"I`ve had so much coffee, I got halfway to work and realized I forgot my car."
I’d steal a doughnut truck and attempt to outrun the cops, just to let people see a bunch of cops chasing a doughnut truck!
Thanks to the words “dude”, “bro”, and “man”, I haven’t said my best friends name in 10 years.