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Calling credit cards "a convenient alternative to cash" is like calling crystal meth a "diet substitute".
I like to dump Skittles in the toilet and then flush it because it looks like a little tiny NASCAR race.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere.
My wife and I decided to make our own sex tape. She was pissed off when I started holding auditions for her part.
Hey! Did any of you see my........ Oh ! Never mind... :D How much of you said that before? heee heee hee!
Pizza gal reads my order back to me and says,"You have one large thick sausage, anything else?" With a smirk I reply,"Yes, I`d also like to order a pizza."
My number one rule to live by is: Don’t die.
I really like my new electric toothbrush, even though sometimes, I still break out the acoustic.
Right now my life is about as organized as the $5 DVD bin at Wal-mart.
Writing is a great career when people like hearing what you have to say but don`t want to look at you.
I saw my ex girlfriend broken down with two flat tires this morning which made me late for work... Nine times I drove past before she noticed me laughing at her.
I hope everyone takes my advice and never takes my advice.
My To-Do list for today is just a bunch of things I wanna eat.
Facebook is perfect for those people that have never been very good at waiting for their turn to speak.
These bar stools are creaky!! [continues to fart on first date]