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You seem to love cocktails... or part of it.
Going to McDonalds for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug
Teenage girls hang out in odd numbered groups because they literally can`t even.
Laugh now because when I die, I`m coming back to haunt you.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I`ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
Get at least eight hours of beauty sleep, 9 if you`re ugly.
Dear Haters, I have so much more for you to be mad at me for...please be patient.
It would be a lot easier to drink the recommended 64oz of water a day if it was beer.
Fingerprints are proof that God doesn`t trust us
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it`s your neighbor`s window and they`re calling the cops?
I broke up with my gym, we were just not working out.
Whew, good thing there`s a facebook petition for ending the shutdown, or else we`d be in real trouble.
Took my 3rd self-defense class, so if anyone feels like attacking me straight on, very slowly, w/ a fake knife in their right hand, BRING IT
You had me at 0 mutual friends
If you love something, feed it so much that it get’s too fat for anyone else to want.