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I wonder if one day somebody will knock on my door and say to me, “Hey ,we have 7 mutual friends in Facebook; may I come in?"
Our phone falls, we panic... our friends fall, we laugh.
Moms birthday is next week. I can’t find a card that says “I wish you loved me more than vodka.”
If noone comes from the future to stop you, how bad of a decision could it really be?
I used to date this girl that worked at Hasbro, but I finally got sick of all her games.
Hey bill collectors, nice try, but I don`t even call back people I know.
Worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but doesn’t get you anywhere.
The secret to success is sincerity. Once you can fake it then you`ve got it made!
I just bumped into my old headmistress who said how weird it is to see me all grown up now. Surely it would be weirder if I was still 9.
I’m sorry I offended you with my common sense.
I don`t understand when people say `age is just a number`... Age is clearly a word.
I never mix business with pleasure, ......unless i call an escort.
How to find the perfect wife: Play monopoly with her. if she chooses the iron, she`s the one.
"There`s more than one way to skin a cat." -Chinese restaurant proverb
Everyone hates performance enhancing drugs. Yet, everyone loves Captain America.