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The only government agency that listens to you is the NSA.
I just got the results of my IQ test. It came back negative.
I`ve noticed more and more little kids with cell phones and social networks. What does a kindergartner have to tweet about? "I`m getting better at drawing in the lines!" #cantwaitforstorytime
Standing up: Wow, I`m actually kind of skinny. Sitting down: Okay, maybe not..
Now that the Summer is over, I can finally stop pretending to be on a diet
Where did Noah keep his bees? ... In the ark hives ... Yes, I`m showing myself out, thanks
The average power nap is 20 minutes. This works out well because I can fit 3 of them evenly into one hour.
A lot of times I wonder if people think my girlfriend is only with me for my money.....but I am always reassured by the fact that I don`t have any money..........or a girlfriend....
I`m not saying you`re stupid; you just have bad luck when it comes to thinking.
There`s nothing a floored gas pedal and cranked music can`t cure.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang - So I shot him..
If you reach your hand into a woman`s purse, it crosses into a parallel universe containing everything but the one thing you`re looking for.
Dear human, you get mad when i wake you up and also get mad when i dont. Sincerely confused, Alarm Clock.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won`t buy the book.
Today we salute Vodka~ruining family reunions and supporting hilarious `hold my drink` moments for 50 years...