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Wanna know what it`s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
Laughter is the best medicine. Unless you have diarrhea!
Relationships are like batteries, they have a positive & a negative side. And you end up whacking your remote instead of changing them.
Thank you Super Bowl for reminding all Americans how bad we really are at understanding Roman numerals
I didn`t see anyone important yesterday, so I`ll probably wear these same clothes today.
Our phone falls, we panic... our friends fall, we laugh.
Bring a CD into my car that I "have to hear" and I`ll figure out a way to deploy the passenger side airbags
"Three blind mice" is probably the most popular nursery rhyme about animal cruelty
Did you know: Your life expectancy decreases every time you ... PISS ME OFF
If you’re gonna keep being so attractive, I’m gonna need you to make out with me.
I`m beginning to think that my destiny in life is just to be a bad example that other people can learn from.
In every organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.
Remember when phones were stupid and people were smart? hmm...
A lifetime of fire drills has prepared me to completely ignore the alarm during a real fire.
You never know how many people you dislike until you have to name your child.