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I think I need to return my GPS...no matter what it can`t help me find easy street
If you own a podium and put up a sign that says "valet" on it, can you just steal cars?
If I could be anyone else in the whole world, I would still be me so that I wouldn`t have to buy new clothes.
I`m in a good place right now. Not emotionally....just that I`m at the liquor store.
Dad: Son its a fact that masturbation can lead to blindness. Me: Dad... Im over here ..
I always honk when I drive by homeless guys sleeping, just in case they overslept for a meeting
Is there ever a day when mattresses are not on sale?
Mission Impossible: Ordering something at Subway without saying, "ummmm".
Of course everyone deserves a 2nd chance, but I gave yours to someone else.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. Sunflowers are yellow. I bet you were expecting something romantic, but this is just gardening facts.
I`ve accidentally swallowed a load of scrabble pieces.........My next poop could spell trouble.
I remember being able to get up without making sound effects. Good times.
I wish life had a “rewind-the-weekend” button.
I usually spend my Mondays texting apologies but I`ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
Boobs make me forget about all the bad things in the world.