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Don’t underestimate my ability to do absolutely nothing.
I don`t know if I should tip the bathroom attendant, or charge for letting him watch...
wassup pips! :-) no i don`t mean you guys pip, get it? piping?? haaahaaa... looks like i`m the only one laughing right? well it sounded funnier in my head (-_-)
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don`t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
Ladies: if you argue with your man naked, you will win every single time.
Today, my wife asked "would you still love me if I was ugly and fat." "Yes, honey I do." was not the right answer.
You know what I hate? People who answer their own questions.
Huh, So you are telling me that these straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress? And not for what I`ve been using them for all this time?
Learn to fight like you`re the third monkey trying to get on the Ark!
One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.
Screw it, just add another blade." -Gillette marketing concepts.
New favorite term: Multislacking. It’s nice to find a name for something you’re good at.
A real friend is someone who knows how damn crazy you are... But is still willing to be seen out in public with you.
Kid`s Choice Awards are a great reminder why children aren`t allowed to vote.
Never resist a mad impulse to do something nice for me.