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To understand paranoid people better, follow them around
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
Just quit my job so I can spend more quality time giving out candy crush extra lives.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to "what would you do if you won the lottery"
To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present, they are due back at the library today.
The problem with the general public is that it`s made of people.
Why do people say “nice to meet you” before I’ve even said anything? How do you know it’s nice to meet me? I’m a jerk.
When you`re tucking your kids in at night, read them a few select Facebook statuses, kiss them on the forehead and whisper "This is why we must stay in school."
The phrase "Go see your Ford dealer" means something completely different in Canada than the United States.
Survival rule #1: Don`t go first.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
The general rule is that you shouldn`t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
Its weird how your entire day flashes before your eyes the moment you realize that your zipper has been down and you haven`t pissed in 8 hrs
A man asks a trainer in a gym - "I want to impress that beautiful girl, which machine can I use?" Trainer replies - "use the ATM"
I saw a bug crawling on my arm and my reaction can only be described as "grabbing for swirling dollars inside a Plexiglas Cash Cube."