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You don`t get to complain about life until you move out of your parent`s house.
People who try to test my patience don`t realize it`s an exam I don`t plan on passing
They say swearing is due to limited vocabulary. I know thousands of words, but I still prefer`f*ck off` to `go away`.
I`m in the awkward time period between not wanting to have pants on, and having to wait for the pizza guy right now...
Adulthood – Pros: You can now eat ice cream in bed. Cons: This will somehow make you sadder.
Don`t tell me what to do unless you`re naked.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way... LOL.
I think the Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day.
I hate it when people call dogs "stupid". I mean, when was the last time you saw a dog step in human poop?
Word of advice. If your wife or girlfriend ever asks "hypothetically speaking, if I was to arrange a threesome for your birthday, which of my friends would you pick to join in?" Never give two names......ever.
A blind man walks into a bar....and a stool....and a table....
Nothing good ever came from drinking things that are on fire.
Yeah... I may be old... But I`m still hot..... They just come in flashes now!
You know when dogs sticks their heads out of a moving car window, bite at the air and it looks like fun? I tried it. It is.