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My girlfriend said we can`t hang out this weekend because she doesn`t really exist.
I think the spork would have caught on better if they called it "a forkin` spoon!"
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
Sometimes entire relationships can only be described as "that weird thing I did for a while."
is in that awkward phase of the day between never drinking again and noon.
What a snow day inside with the kids! My one son thought it would be a good idea to fill up the garage freezer with snow to save for later and my other son had an "accident" and peed all over the floor in the bathroom. Youd think they know better at 13 and 15 years old! I probably should stop letting them drink beer in the house.
Don`t talk to me about hard times. My dog just licked the last piece of pizza.
Wishing a happy unbirthday to everybody who`s birthday isn`t today.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
Arguing with people in the comments section is like crack for me. I don`t do it.
CPR is the human version of blowing in to a video game cartridge hoping it`ll work again.
What if oxygen makes our voice really deep, and Helium just brings it back to normal?
So I met an Egyptian ... they walk just like us.
If I stop my car so you can walk across the street, I better see some hustle out of you. Knees to Chest, bitch, KNEES TO CHEST!!
Why do pickup truck commercials think it`s very important that I`m able to tow a plane?