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I believe in karma that means I can do bad things to people I don’t like and assume they deserved it.
Wedding: The really expensive party taking place relatively 5-10 years before your divorce.
I don`t always have awkward moments, but when I do I make sure I write them on Facebook so my friends know how awkward they were.
This nude beach would be great!...if I wasn`t the only one participating.
Your cat doesn`t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
"Does this dress make me look fat?"-- Now, what I SHOULD have said was, "No, dear! You are little black dress approved!" but what came out was, "When did your bum move to the front?"
When I asked if you had protection, pepper spray isn’t what I meant.
I think my “check engine” light has finally burned out. So that’s good.
I`m astounded at how fast my "I survived Ebola" t-shirt got me to the front of the Black Friday lines this year..
Women who tell me I have commitment issues have never seen me with a large pizza.
If you cry loudly enough, your boss will usually let you go home.
Chuck E Cheese: Because it`s never too early to introduce your children to gambling and bad nutrition.
I never drink unless I am alone or with somebody.
Bad decisions make good stories.
Filling out a job application. Under "Military Experience" I put that I once went commando for 4 days in a row.