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I have decided to stop doing things "Like a Boss" and will now do things "Like a Rhinestone Cowboy."
I`ve spent approximately 2% of my life walking back to the trash can and checking the box to see how long I need to microwave my food.
Screw Folgers, the best part of waking up is knowing I survived last night`s drinking.
"If you can`t handle me at my worst, then you don`t deserve me at my best" literally translates to "I`m a loud, sloppy drunk."
The overspray from my windshield washer fluid just totaled a smart car.
watching porn is like finding happiness in other enjoyment.....
You know what`s the best part about waking up early? Nothing, it sucks!
Now that I know how many calories there are in a pint of beer , I have decided to stop eating.
Hopefully because of social networking, I`ve tarnished my reputation enough for anybody to ever place me in a role of great responsibility.
You posted a drunk selfie last night at 2:04 AM and then deleted it five minutes later. But I took a screenshot. Let`s negotiate.
Car commercials make driving around in empty parking structures look fun and normal and not suspicious or kidnappy.
I just threw up my weekend.
I want to meet the guy at Hewlett Packard who decides how many minutes of strange noises their printers make before printing 1 page.
I always wear a wedding ring when I go grocery shopping, so everyone thinks my cart full of groceries are for a family of 4 instead of just me
Porn can be so misleading. I quit my pizza delivery job after two days.