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Hey, if anyone needs help raising their kids, come talk to me. I`ve been one for 30 some years now.
People assume when I yawn that I’ve lost interest in what they have to say but truth be told, I was never interested.
I just found out that a bucket of KFC when you`re finished with it, also doubles as a porta-potty...
I love this oscillating fan, 5 out of every 15 seconds.
If I had to choose between Star Wars and Star Trek, I`d probably choose beer.
Apparently, I`m the only one that wants to drink beer at this intervention.
Never call a woman crazy because she will say, "I`m not crazy!" and then go and do something crazy. Probably with matches.
If you think you have problems, remember that Malaysian man who told his wife he was flying to China... and now he can`t get out of his girlfriend`s apartment...
I always stop to help women who have broken down on the road. I don`t know sh!t about cars, but I do know how porn starts off. -Bfanch
Every time I`m not with my kid and someone asks me "Where`s the baby?" I just yell "Oh crap!" and run in the direction I came from.
Being clean and sober means i’ve showered and am heading to the liquor store.
Sorry I mixed 50,000 instant pudding packets into your above ground pool
Spruce up your weeknight: run the dishwasher and imagine you`re on a cruise!
My ex was an absolute treasure and by treasure I mean you`ll need a shovel and map to find him.
Trail Mix: M&Ms with obstacles