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I always say, "morning." Instead of, "good morning." If it were a good morning, I would still be asleep in bed instead of talking to people.
According to the law it`s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
I just want to read, have a snack, then take a nap. Basically, I just want to be in kindergarten again.
Forecast for the weekend... mild alcoholism, with a 70% chance of poor decisions and impaired judgement. Increasing chance of regret and hangover for Sunday.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel... It was 3 weeks from tomorrow.
The only 2 things that I love and enjoy about being an adult is having sex and drinking alcohol.
I don`t get why he counts the beer before he leaves to work... There`s never any left when he comes home.
I thought I`d try yoga to make myself more flexible, but I`m still incredibly stubborn.
A homeless man comes up to me asking for change, I say "Change comes from within." He looked stunned.
There is no life on earth without water. Because without water, there is no coffee. And without coffee, I`ll kill you all.
"The more the merrier": My excuse for extra food.
I have a PHD (Pretty Huge d*ck)
I never fail to win at Rock, Paper, Scissors when I pick up the other person and throw them out the window.
They say you can tell how someone has sex by how they dance…. So ladies be prepared for a lot of counting and clapping.
If you catch me doing a selfie at work, at least offer to take the pic for me.