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A jealous woman does better research than the FBI
Setting my coffee maker to `stun`
I know that no means no, but that`s about the extent of my Spanish.
I would call my fashion style: “clothes that still fit.”
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2015.
Anytime my boss leaves her office, I sneak in there and fart.
All of my selfies are just still shots from surveillance footage.
just watched my first full episode of jersey shore... #ashamed of new entertainment
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
Uhm, excuse me waiter... I`d like to return my food. It only received 5 likes on Instagram.
I got kicked out of the audience of "Cats" on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Why can`t life be as easy as I am?
HR wants me to give myself a self evaluation. This will be the first and last time they make this mistake.
I feel like grabbing some random kid and screaming "I`m YOU from the future!"
Men use love to get sex. Women use sex to get love. I use coupons to get pizza.