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I’d be more motivated to work out if the stationary bikes had a little basket to hold my snacks and beer.
When they say: "Wow, you`re really photogenic." What they mean: "Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are."
Whenever I lock a car up I always press the button twice in a row to let all nearby thieves know that I mean business.
The key to any successful marriage is separate TVs.
Is it just me, or does this gravy I made taste like scotch? Anyway, best Thanksgiving EVER!
Wouldn`t it be ironical to die in a living room?
Remember, Christmas is over if you sit on a strangers lap now and ask for stuff it`s because you`re a whore.
I will be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti! I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day!
A bunch of us are going out for pancakes when Facebook is over, if you want to come along.
When a pizza guy comes to my door, I like to answer wearing the same uniform as him and holding a pizza.....and then insist that he called me
I`m a very modest person, mostly because I`m awesome.
I`d hit that. - women drivers
Just been on a diabetes awareness website and it asked me if I accept cookies. Is that a trick question?
Ghetto Word of the Day: Window "Imma pay my baby mamma her child support. I just don’t know window".
I just heard a woodpecker call me a `paranoid old weirdo` in morse code.