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"You`ve got a friend in me." - Cannibals, probably
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
How does it change many dyslexics to take a lightbulb?
Pool party at my house, bring ur own pool..
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
Apparently a new study shows that unattractive men make better mates. Nice try, ugly scientists.
I have 500 friends and only 499 Birthday wishes on facebook! I`ll remember that when it`s YOUR birthday #405!!!
Anyone that says I`m a lover not a fighter has clearly never been in a relationship over 6 months
I have a stalker. Everywhere I go, she`s always there, 10 paces ahead of me...
My hobbies include trying to close the elevator door before someone else gets on.
All shoes are technically buy one get one free.
Just once I`d like to see someone in a movie call bullshit when someone tells them their phone number starts with 555
If I have to stir it, it’s homemade.
My credit score is just a picture of me crying in the front yard of a nice house.
I`m so old I remember when water was free and you had to pay for porn.