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Just deserts: When a cashier hands you dollar bills back as change. Hold them up to the light like they do when you pay them.
MISSED CONNECTION: I gave you the Heimlich maneuver on Maine St. You insisted you weren’t choking and put up a good fight.
My hatred for Nicki Minaj probably stems from my fear of clowns.
My girlfriend ended up with a broken nose today because she wouldn`t listen to me... I said,"You`re about to walk into a lamppost."
Few things in life are more pleasurable than turning off the lights in a public bathroom while people are still inside.
Is it just me or doesn`t anyone disappear in the Bermuda triangle anymore?
Actually I don`t think it would be all that hard to get out of a pickle.
That moment when you wake up at 2 o`clock a.m and remember how crappy that after earth movie was and you go back to sleep immediately
Here`s a crazy concept, maybe I`m not in a bad mood, angry, or a bitch. Maybe I said it because it`s true and I meant it. Marinate on that.
never trust a man in a wheelchair with dirty shoes
didn`t get much sleep last night, I tried counting sheep but they kept cutting in line, confused the hell outta me!!
You know nothing about a woman until she`s drunk and mad at you
Every time I visit my parents, I send the kids in first so they can signal me if it`s an intervention.
I love sleeping, but I never want to go to bed early.
Love your enemies; after all, you made them!