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Bored? Update your Facebook to “in a relationship” with someone you’ve never met just to see if they’ll confirm.
Vodka is just amazing water.
If Shrek can find love, so can you. What I`m trying to say is, you look like Shrek
You can look at some people and instantly know they’re only going to get two awards in life, a birth and a death certificate.
Put glitter on top of all your friends ceiling fans blades........... Wait till summer... Enjoy!
Chuck Norris doesn`t flush the toilet...he just scare the sh!t out of it.
Have you ever noticed the irony behind “hyphenated” and “non-hyphenated”?
Let`s fix the obesity problem AND improve eye-hand coordination by replacing vending machines with claw machines, make people earn snacks.
According to my nipples, there is a 99% chance it`s cold as hell right now!
my mom and I have so much in common..she doesn`t listen and niether do I :p
have you ever noticed `lol` looks like a drowning person?
The way to win the lottery is to choose the correct numbers in the correct sequence before they are announced. (You’re welcome)
I was going to buy my first pair of Jordans.. Until I saw the price.. So I decided to make a car payment instead!
"Always leave them wanting more" is my new mantra when paying bills.
They say you can tell how someone has sex by how they dance…. So ladies be prepared for a lot of counting and clapping.