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St. Patricks day is the only time you can ask somebody in public,"Do you want some green" without you looking suspect.
Have you hugged you bartender today.
Men, remember to re-stock the spiders this weekend so she remembers why she keeps you around.
It`s ok if you don`t like my personality,,, I`ve got others.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting...
I had been dreaming about eating a giant marshmallow, when I woke up my pillow was gone! :O
Saying I have a drinking problem is like saying Bruce Lee had a kung fu problem, it`s not a problem if you`re good at it.
I legitimately thought I was having a pretty productive day until I realized my phone is set to west coast time and I`m in New York.
When do you take 5 hr energy? Right when I get off work ..12am!..beer here I come!
What do bats eat that makes their sh!t our standard for crazy?
If she is still able to walk to the kitchen after s@x , you don`t deserve a sandwich.
It`s not that I CAN`T be good, it`s that I`m SOOOOO much better at being BAD!!!
I`m not saying i hate you but if you were on fire and i had water i would drink it
Life is to short ... to waste time matching socks.
I call in sick on full moons just to make them wonder.