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Summer vacation: Where you drink triple, see double and act single.
I want rich people problems. Like where to park my yacht.
During Sex you burn as much calories as running 5 miles ... Who the f*ck runs 5 miles in 30 seconds.
About to try ordering subway without saying um... Wish me luck!
"Kids are great when you need help around the house." - People who don`t have kids
When I’m getting off a crowded elevator I like to turn & look at someone who’s staying on and say,, “You’re in charge while I’m gone.”
If I have offended you, hurt you, belittled you in any manner, then I want you to know that I was only just getting started.
My life may be a mess but at least I didn`t make a harlem shake video.
The list of things I won’t eat if covered in chocolate gets smaller everyday.
I`m back in the HR office today. In my defense my coworker very plainly said "stick a fork in me, I`m done"
tell your boobs to stop staring at my eyes
When someone is murdered, they always investigate the spouse 1st. And that pretty much tells you everything you need to know about marriage.
The corner of my bathtub is also referred to as "The Shampoo Bottle Graveyard"
Gravity didn`t seem this strong twenty-five years ago.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone