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Please don`t wear skinny jeans if you don`t have skinny genes.
Live today like it`s your last!! But pay your bills and use a condom just in case it isn`t.
My most frequent walk of shame is from one bathroom to the other with the plunger
If someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
There is no greater stress than the stress of a guy who forgot his phone & left it at home with his wife.
I now have permanent vision loss due to excessive eye-rolling at stupid idiots.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Laughter with large amounts of alcohol & wild crazy monkey sex - now that`s the best medicine.
I bought powdered water but I don`t know what to add to it.
The filling in this fortune cookie tastes like paper...
Word for today: Dipshidiot
The number of things that are *NOT* rocket science is staggering.
I always get this dream where I`m driving in reverse ...Then I wake up and see that I`m driving normally.
Whenever you can`t think of anything to say in therapy just go with, "I`ve been thinking about killing you."
Scientists say the universe is made up of protons, neutrons and electrons. They forgot to mention Morons!