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Men look at boobs for the same reason women look at puppies in cages. We just want to set them free and play with them.
I know I`m in trouble when the voice in my head starts using my middle name
Some days I’d like to take a chainsaw and cut a few branches off my family tree.
Hey chicks that only post inspirational shit: we know you’re nuts.
Alcohol free beer is like ... orgasm free sex
I’ve just woken up, and it appears that Earth is temporarily safe from harm & currently doesn’t need my assistance, so I’m going back to bed.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
Right now my life is about as organized as the $5 DVD bin at Wal-mart.
Marriage counseling - because sometimes your spouse needs to hear from a professional that they are being an a$$
Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
If my cats have taught me anything, its how to ignore people.
I love asking kids what they want to be when they grow because I`m still looking for ideas
My wife told me to strive for perfection, so I divorced her and started dating a swimsuit model.
Occasionally, I like to take a look through my old status updates and smile at my sparkling wit.
So there`s a t.v. show called, It`s Me or the Dog?.. I was disappointed to find out its not a game show where people guess who farted