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30 years later and my Cabbage Patch Kid still has no clue that he`s adopted.
I asked my kid “do you know why we have a Thanksgiving holiday?” He said, “Sure! It’s so we know when to start Christmas shopping!”
I would rather have a bad day of fishing then a good day of work.
Sometimes when I`m bored I crawl into a corner of my room and pretend I`m an apple.
I`m pretty sure if someone broke into my house, my dog would just show them how much he likes to lick his balls
Got interrupted downloading the new version of iTunes by a pop up that asked if I wanted to download the even newer version of iTunes.
If your talking behind my back then guess what? Your in a pretty good position to kiss my a$$!!!!
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There`s no episode where a man asks a woman `what`s wrong?`
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that sh!t means but at least they`re not talking to you anymore.
The only reason I keep my land line is for the eventuality that this is The Matrix.
Some days the only thought that stops me from being Dexter...is that I am WAY too pretty to go to prison
I`m hoping to avoid a situation where I have to dance to save my own life.
Just seen this girl walk into a lamp post! I could have stopped her but that wouldn`t have been funny would it
Excuse me sir, where do you keep the "Whoomp"? Oh, there it is.
I`ve run out of things to be upset about. I hope Justin Bieber has kids soon.