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And we all have that one friend who has more blonde moments than an actual blonde.
I swear my cat was an alarm clock in a previous life...
The reason good men are hard to find is because they`re usually too busy working.
I don`t have friends, I have acquaintances and parasites.
If I could trade places with anyone for a day it would have to be on the day I die. I wouldn`t want to be me on that day.
If at first you don´t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
The only thing that makes me happy about the launch of a new model cell phone is that I can finally afford the previous model.
It’s almost 2015, I expect a toaster that pops the bread up in a less terrifying way.
The hardest part about being humble is not telling people how much better I am than they are.
I`m the type of person that would thrive in solitary confinement.
On the bright side, it’s Friday Eve Eve Eve.
Every family has a plastic bag full of plastic bags.
Have I been drinking? Clearly officer, you`re no detective
Your trophy wife is more of a participation trophy wife, isn`t she?
A sheep spends it`s entire life fearing the wolf only to be eaten by the Shepherd.