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My kids think I`m uncool like I thought my parents where. Time to get even! ;)
I can`t wait to get one of those self-driving cars to watch my wife argue with it.
You`re so dumb you have to get naked to count to 21.
When people tell me "You`re gonna regret that in the morning"...I sleep in till noon, because I`m a problem solver.
I have a life outside of internet, it involves charging my phone.
You think your life is bad? I’ve got that “Five dollar foot long” song stuck in my head
I was an atheist, until I realized I was a sex god.
And then I was all: “I’m really getting sick of your shit, bitch.” And then she was all: “To speak with a representative please press 7.”
Guys...dont mess up and buy her the wrong brand of vacuum cleaner for Valentines Day this year. Spend a little extra for a really good one ... Just tring to help.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting...
A hot woman telling me about her boyfriend is like setting money on fire in front of a homeless person.
The new Jungle Book movie might be confusing to today`s kids who don`t remember when we had jungles. Or books...
The number of red lights you will hit while driving are directly proportional to how bad you have to pee.
I just realized that Mr. Rogers had the first man-cave.
No one will ever look at you the way I do ... But thats probably because no one will ever do it from the tree outside your window