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I don’t have an attitude problem… You have a problem with my attitude… That’s your problem, not mine.
I am trying my very best to get into the holiday spirit but I cant open the damn bottle.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo
i am not so think, as you drunk i am
Sorry I`m late... I accidentally pulled the chain on the ceiling fan one too many times for like 9 hours straight.
Saw a woman crying as she was buying tampons last night. ..Must be going through a tough period in her life.
I just watched a documentary on marijuana. I think all documentaries should be watched this way.
Happiness is using an ATM and finding a receipt left by someone with an account balance lower than yours.
Sorry I cancelled at the last minute, but it took me forever to think of an excuse I hadn`t used yet.
I was all ears until you said something that sounded like advice.
When ur mom Calls and u have a party at ur house you; shut up!! Answers phone you; hi mommy!
There are two rules to success in life - 1. Don`t tell people everything you know
Your 15 second video will start after this 30 min. commercial...
thinks that life was a lot simpler when I thought girls had cooties, and getting to the bottom of the sandbox was a good day.
There are two key elements to success. 1) Never tell anyone everything you know.