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I like to play fetch with my cat....which, you know, is just me throwing stuff,,, followed by disappointment.
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it`s working.
My nose is "running", that`s all the exercise I can handle for one day.......
Thanks to everyone for the Birthday wishes! To anyone who missed it.”No cake for you!!"
Oops is farting in the elevator and thinking it would be silent.
I`m a little stumped by this beer to pee volume ratio.
Every time I think I finally have the life I always dreamed of....I wake up.
I haven`t talked to my wife in three weeks. I didn`t want to interrupt her.
“Hey baby, do you smell that?” “No.” “Me neither, start cooking.”
You can save a lot of money by walking face-first into a spiderweb every morning instead of buying coffee.
I`m living in a drama-free bubble today. Respect the bubble, people, respect it!
Beer: The WD40 for conversations.
Everybody reaches a point in their lives when they die.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch yesterday.
I`m just like you ... Only smarter and better looking.