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Before having any kids make sure you’re done sleeping and doing things you like to do.
My moral compass must run on solar power because it never seems to work after dark.
why hello there stalker! Enjoying my profile?(=
My dog reminds me of my ex. She doesn`t pull her weight financially and she`s scared of the vacuum.
I`m fat, but I blame my dog for not exercising me enough.
You know your a$s is ugly when you`re the one always asked to take the photo.
I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.
When life hands you lemons it should only remind you to buy more tequila, life is as simple as that.
Does anyone have plans to stare at their phones somewhere exciting this weekend?
You should have seen the guy who unlocked the liquor store this morning. It was like he never saw anyone roll up a sleeping bag before.
A massage is just professional petting for humans.
Just when you want to be a good person again , someone new to stalk shows up
I always wear a wedding ring when I go grocery shopping, so everyone thinks my cart full of groceries are for a family of 4 instead of just me
Do you ever just look at someone and think "Wow, let me take off your pants."
Do you like the strong, silent type? Then you`ll love my farts.