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I`ve tried several times, but I can`t pet a cat without plotting world domination.
So, all theses years I thought it was the dyer making my shirts not fit. now I`m pretty sure it the refrigerator.
Sometimes I like to play God and just ignore everyone when they talk to me.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
A fun thing to do is comment "that ain`t the girl you were with at the bar the other night" on all my married friends Facebook family photos
In a 500-day period I could theoretically meet someone, get married, have a baby, and get divorced–and yet I’d still be using the same box of Q-tips.
I keep hitting the escape key ... But I`m still here.
If you`re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
Left the toilet seat up. Wife screaming in 5, 4, 3, 2...
Is it just me or do mirrors look really sexy?
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means
I just slammed hard on the brakes and found 3 lighters, $4.67 in change, condom box, empty flask, half an 1/8th, and a puppy.
I don`t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
People say 60 is the new 40 but the cop who just pulled me over doesn`t agree.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.