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If I could go back in time I would put cheese on a lot more things.
Sober me makes plans and drunk me cancels them. Its a good system.
I was late to work because I was having car trouble. And by car trouble I mean I was sleeping and not driving the car.
Whenever I see people lined up outside a club on Friday night, I just think “look at all these poor people who don’t know Netflix exists.”
I`m drinking like there`s snow tomorrow.
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way... LOL.
Been there, done that. Hypothetically
These spaghetti-o`s taste like I don`t get paid until tomorrow.
I saw a book titled Learning To Read For Dummies. At first I thought that sounded insulting, but then I realized anybody who would be insulted by that title wouldn`t even know what it says.
I would unblock you but then I`d be admitting I`d made a mistake and that`s just not my thing.
No officer I wasn’t texting, that’s dangerous. I was checking my email.
Parenting is a lot like the bar scene: Everyone`s yelling, everything`s sticky, it`s the same music over and over again and occasionally someone pukes somewhere they
I`ve never heard an alarm going off on a car worth stealing.
A Whoopee cushion filled with gravy adds a hilarious new dimension to a rather tiresome practical joke.
So, All my exes live in Texas; Exactly, how does one go about scheduling a tornado ?