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Partying on my level requires years of training.
I sent one of those swabs off for DNA sampling. Apparently, I`m 50% Crest, 25% Denture fixative, 13% kebab, and 12% Rum.
Any girl is a stripper if you wait outside her window long enough
The best thing about telepathy is…I know, right?
Deadliest Catch and Jersey Shore - two reality tv shows about catching crabs
The worst part of being naked is not having pockets.
Me:"I had a dream about you." Girlfriend:"Awwwwww." Me:"Yeah, you died."
I wonder if Alex Trebek’s tombstone will say ‘Who was the host of Jeopardy?’
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it`s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
Picture a scavenger hunt where the only items on the list are "your house keys" and "your house." Well, son, that`s what drinking is like.
Well h€ll, I was going to post a status about my p€cker, but it was too long.
There I was, watching a advertisement when a YouTube video rudely interrupts it...
Serving size ?? LMAO
If the government shutdown effected alcohol or internet porn they`d have this sh!t fixed by tomorrow morning.
Guns don`t kill people. Fathers with beautiful daughters do. Happy Fathers Day!