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I`m allergic to stupidity ... which is why I break out in to sarcasm.
I miss the good old days when we blamed Marilyn Manson for all our problems.
How do they even grow boneless chicken`s?
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee is when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
My wife went home to visit her mother today. Or as I refer to it. Her “bitch refresher course”.
I just gave my kid ice cream because she wouldn`t stop crying. Sorry, whoever she winds up marrying.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
Sometimes, entire relationships can be chalked up to, "that weird thing I did for a while."
No officer I wasn’t texting, that’s dangerous. I was checking my email.
Life is like a teenager`s p@nis. some are short, some are long, but it is always hard.
If money grew on trees, Congress would actually care about the environment.
If you really want to know how she feels about you, get her drunk & then piss her off.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish ... I`m not even high.
The weather is so nice. I think I’ll go outside and watch other people run.
I always thought I looked like romeo, until I washed the picture off my mirror...