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I don`t know which is worse... waiting for someone to get out of the bathroom so you can use it or hearing them say "come in" when you knock on the bathroom door...
Secretly adding a tablespoon of butter to everything he eats is my long-term exit plan.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its belly and make a friend ... That trick rarely works on people.
I’m drinking like there’s snow tomorrow.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2015.
There may be no excuse for laziness, but I`m still looking.
According to science the atoms in my body contain the energy of 30 hydrogen bombs, and yet, not enough energy to get up early and go jogging.
The brain is the most outstanding organ, it works for 24 hours 365 days, right from your birth until you fall in love.
Last night a movie theatre was robbed of $1000. The thieves took one large bag of popcorn, a combo meal, and a box of milk duds.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you`re basically saying, "Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please."
If the best things in life really are free, why am I still getting charged at the liquor store? I call bullshit
People who over-exaggerate make me so mad that I just want to light everyone on fire.
How’s your day going? Here’s a good way to tell: Is it “already” 2:00pm or “only” 2:00pm?
Someone asked me if I`m ever scared that I`ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.