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Big shoutout to whoever decided the ? and ! should be next to each other on an iPhone. That typo hasn’t made me look insane 10,000 times.
I`m like a kid in a candy store. I can`t afford anything.
I removed my windshield wipers and now I don`t get parking tickets. Suck it meter maids!
First world problems: I couldn’t hear the TV so I had to stop eating chips.
I have more conversations in my head than I do in real life.
Dont judge a person by the color of their skin or by the content of their character but by the shape of their eyebrows
If you go for a jog and you don`t post it on Facebook, have you really jogged?
Some psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person`s confidence, but nobody in this park seems to appreciate it.
The Roomba vacuum cleaner just beat me to a piece of popcorn I dropped on the floor & this is how the war against the machines begins.
I plan on being up really late tonight making voodoo dolls for, well, never mind, you will know who you are soon enough.
I`m so lonely that my cat owns a cat.
Pizza will never tell you you`re fat unless you`re high as sh!t, then pizza is probably suggesting you fight an aardvark to lose weight.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
I hate when I`m about to hug someone really sexy, and my face hits the mirror.
If one door closes and another one opens, seek help your house is haunted.