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Roses are red Your thong is pink Cover that up You`re not as hot as you think.
You can tell how a persons life is going by how they press the crosswalk button.
Boss: Are you on drugs? Me: You and I both know I don`t make enough money to have a drug problem
Of course it`s you....there`s no f*cking way it`s me.
Look up from your phone… There’s some life going on around you.
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
My New Years Resolution is to be less vain. It`s going to be difficult though, considering how sexy I am.
My gift horse is facing the wrong way
Unless your kid’s fundraiser is selling booze, I want no part of it.
Sex, drugs, and candy crush all have one thing in common. It’s only an addiction if you start paying for it.
My life is the intersection between having too much caffeine and constantly yawning.
Early reports indicate I`m gonna be drunk all weekend.
My 5yr old learned how to whistle if anyone’s looking for a new 5yr old.
Just because I know I`m a "Good looking, extremely intelligent, funny as hell, sexy ass, Motherf#ker" doesn`t mean I`m "Conceited"...Im more like a "Realist", that just so happens to be very good with adjectives!...A "Bad-Ass Realist", that is!
You can either wear granny panties OR yoga pants - not both. Pick one.