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Do people who run know that we’re not food anymore.
take me drunk i`m home
Which nipple does the red jumper cable go on? Asking for a friend.
I`m trying to cut back on posting pics to Instagram, so I`m not going to eat anymore.
I don`t care what people think of me. It can`t be half as bad as what I think of them...
figured out today that my GPS has auto-correct....I put in "Beach house" and ended up in my ex`s driveway.
Convincing my dog I really threw the ball is the closest I’ll ever get to being a magician.
One day, people are gonna write songs about the nap I`m about to take.
Guy tip of the day: To avoid arguments about the toilet seat, use the sink...
Wife: I wish we could have sex like we used to... Husband: Do you mean with other people?
Best thing = Waking up, looking in your refrigerator and seeing a pizza box.
I was wondering why my doctor gave me LSD for my constipation, then I saw a dragon and crapped myself.
Internet Dating......The Odds are good but the Goods are odd
I wouldn`t want to fly Virgin. Who`d want to fly an airline that doesn`t go all the way?
I call in sick on full moons just to make them wonder.