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You make me want to be a better class of psycho.
Not to cause a panic but i`m starting to think we`re running out of things to stuff inside pizza crust.
Chuck E. Cheese is just a casino for little kids.
Its never polite to ask the guy at the next table "are you done with that?" Especially when he`s breaking up with his girlfriend.
Parts of a worm: 1) Worm
I just lost another hour trying to figure out how to reset the clock in my car.
It`s been rough today, right now I`m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
Don’t get me started. I don’t come with brakes.
I like when people call me "Sir". I just wish they wouldn`t follow it up with "you`re making a scene."
My wife says I`m a clueless idiot. I didn`t even know I had a wife.
It’s too bad that it’s easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
I thought my life would include more impromptu sing-alongs.
Sorry I wore tear-away pants to your wedding. In my defense I really thought I had on underwear.
Show some cleavage on bad hair days.
Being human is expensive and exhausting.