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What I do when I black out is none of my business.
If it requires pants, its not happening today.
My secret ingredient is letting somebody else cook.
If there were "Box Tops for Education" on cases of beer, my kid`s school would be rich.
Every time I hear the phrase, "Fire at will!", I can`t help but wonder, "What did Will do?!"
Never piss off a woman on her period...scratch that...Never piss off a woman, period.
I don`t care how old I am, if I go out to eat and there are crayons and paper place mats with puzzles...GAME ON!!
Some young men are like bottles of wine. They need to be tended to carefully & given time to mature; which is why I keep a few in my cellar.
Happiness is realizing you can have as many drinks as you want ... cause you`re not driving.
When women say “It’s not what’s on the outside, it’s what’s on the inside that counts”, we all know they are talking about a Man’s wallets.
I love my six pack abs so much that I cover them with a layer of fat .
Cookies and porn are always better when they`re homemade!
Ive been invited to farmville! Now what to wear...
Years ago I asked out the girl of my dreams. Today I asked her to marry me ... She said no both times
I have an inferiority complex,,,,,, but it isn`t a very good one.