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If your problem can’t be solved by me saying “damn” and nodding a lot, then you shouldn’t come to me for help.
To the people that post 15 pics of your kid everyday,your kid looks EXACTLY the same as they did ystrdy,and the day before,and the day before that
“One man’s trash is another man’s treasure” would be a terrible way to let your child know that they’re adopted.
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son`s love, I sometimes think to myself, "This may be the worst prize ever."
If I saw a ghost, I would not be scared. I`d be like "Sit your translucent a$$ down, I have a lot of questions!"
I try to live every day as though it were my last, and who wants to do laundry on the last day they’re alive?
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and my number of friends.
just realised SATURDAY has the word TURD in it
Funny word combinations :Clearly misunderstood, Exact estimate, Small crowd, Act naturally, Found missing, Fully empty and above all ... Happily Married
If I pretend to be dead will you stop talking?
Writing is a great career when people like hearing what you have to say but don`t want to look at you.
Looking forward to `Breaking Bad` merchandise. Especially the cook book.
I`m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you, would actually kill me
So far I’ve spent most of 2014 flipping off the weather channel.