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WORST.... APOCALYPSE..... EVER.....
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
When people tell me "you`re going to regret that in the morning" I sleep in until noon because I`m a problem solver
Why is that in girls tampon commercials they dance and laugh? Shouldn`t they be revving chainsaws and burning sh!t down?
Alcohol is like laxatives for constipated thoughts. The more you drink, the more sh!t that comes out your mouth.
tonights theme: grab somebody sexy tell them hey, give me everything tonight!
If I had to describe myself in one word it would be "doesn`t know how to follow directions."
If someone tells you `I love you` but you don`t feel the same way and don`t wanna make it awkward just say `I love YouTube` really really fast :)
Dear piece of paper that wont go in the dust pan ... f*ck you!
I need u to do me a favor... Stand in front of my car please... I need to test my brakes :)
I saw a comedian one time who did nothing but make geography puns. talk abbottabad act.
My posts come from a dark place.. I haven`t paid my light bill in 3 months.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so that I could slap 8 people at once.
Some days it´s not worth chewing through the straps.
I’m watching this show on stalkers, still haven’t seen any of you yet.