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What`s it called when you always have a sweet tooth, but it`s only for booze?
My girlfriend just threw away a bubble wrap without popping it. Just like that. I`m dating an animal :(
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn`t leave much room. It`s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
Most people don`t think I`m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
If you rearrange the letters of "postmen" they get really pissed off.
Self-Checkout lanes were invented by a guy who was sent out to buy tampons.
I totally understand how batteries feel because I`m never included in things either
Don`t judge me just because I sin differently from you.
Now working on my 2nd million. I gave up on the first.
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: `last warning, you have a week to get the money together.`
Love is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
Whoever decided to color underpants white was an idiot.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
I`ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don`t have the game so I may need new meds...
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won`t let me use their microwave.