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I hate crickets in my house.....except for the one I just killed. He seems ok.
To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present....They are due back at the library today.
Unless life hands you water and sugar, your lemonade is gonna suck.
when a girl says "whatever" what she really means "I hope you get shot, fall off a bridge, get raped by a shark, and then eaten by it
My kids are giving all the people on this airplane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
Finally down to my pre-pregnancy/pre-kids weight...well...before my wife had kids I mean.
My mom says I`m special.
Flu (noun) - The only time when having used tissues laying next to your bed is socially acceptable.
i make the other half of the Oreo watch.
I love that little thing that you do...You know, the one where you leave.
I went on two diets because there wasn’t enough food on just the one.
If you`re behind someone at an ATM at night, let them know you`re not a threat by gently kissing their neck.
Hey, sorry I`m late ... I didn`t want to come
A cop pulled me over and said ``Papers...`` So I said, ``Scissors, I win!`` and drove off like a boss!
I often worry about the safety of my children, especially the one that is rolling their eyes at me & talking back right now.