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It`s annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there`s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
Can Walmart be a feeling? I think that`s how I feel today.
Nothing says “I don’t give a sh!t” like a Hawaiian shirt.
Who ever said technology will replace paper.....has obviously never tried wiping their a$$ with an IPAD.
I Don’t answer text messages right when I get them so I don’t seem desperate. Then, I forget about them and never respond.
Sleep is my drug, the bed my dealer, the alarm clock the police.
I saw a spider in my bathtub. So I took a tissue and very, very carefully, burned the house down.
Don’t get me wrong. I totally hear what you’re saying…I just don’t care.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
I don`t think I can call myself an adult until I can accept the fact that "dry clean only" is not a dare.
I`m going to switch my car insurance from Geico to Allstate, then to Statefarm, then back to Geico. If my calculations are correct, they should owe me $837
Side effects of telling your wife to get a grip may include throat bruising or testicular swelling.
Kids today will never know the frustration of having to rewind their dads porn tapes to the exact same spot...
If they were really trying to prepare high school kids for “real life” they would offer a class called “working with a$$holes”
I got a new marker today that smells like grapes. Thats why I`ve been so quiet.