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People should mute themselves on conference calls when they are crossing a battlefield and killing enemies to get to the next level.
Nobody really owns tupperware. We are all just really borrowing it from one another.
The irony of social media is that the majority of users are all alone.
Next time you are in a restaurant, give this a thought. The fork you are using has been in the mouth of hundreds of people. Now look at the people eating right by you. Scary, right?
Just got a Cheerio stuck between my toes walking through the kitchen. Clearly my dog isn`t doing his part of the chores around here
It`s amazing how I come up with my best status updates when I`m in the shower or when I`m driving. I think it has a lot to do with me being naked.
My dog can`t hear me yelling at him to stop chasing squirrels, but he can hear a damn cheese wrapper from 500 miles away
ALERT: Missing Unicorn...if you find it, you`re probably high
Well h€ll, I was going to post a status about my p€cker, but it was too long.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station`s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
My mom told me to follow my dreams. So I took a nap.
My Facebook movie is already in the dollar bin at Walmart.
You couldn`t handle five minutes in my head.
Just finished building Rome with Legos. Took me a day.
My husband`s wife is freakin` awesome!