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I am trying my very best to get into the holiday spirit but I cant open the damn bottle.
Vegetables are a must on my diet. I am eating Carrot cake, Zucchini bread and Pumpkin pie.
The human body is roughly 60% water. I`m not fat, I`m flooded.
Designated drivers just drive me to drink.
Great idea for an April Fools Prank ... Hide all of the desktop icons on someone`s computer and replace their wallpaper with a screenshot of their old desktop.
I just responded to a text message with: I can`t hear you, you`re breaking up.
Don’t ask a girl where she wants to eat. Tell her to guess where you’re taking her to eat. Then take her to her first guess.
Wife: give me money I want to buy a bra. Husband: you`ve got nothing to put in them. Wife: you wear shorts
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
I`ll never forget the first time I saw a dry erase board, "Wow" I thought, "that`s remarkable"
Ironman and Batman`s only super powers is being super rich and smart really makes Bill Gates a real disappointment.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said “Implants?”
Calories: the little creatures that go into your closet every night and hem the waistline of all your clothes inch by inch
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
Instead of spending $2,000 on a purse, some of you ladies should use the money for therapy sessions.