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I`m really sick and tired of food having calories...
I went to McDonald`s to grab my boys a couple of Happy meals. The guy serving me says "Would you like a Boy Toy"? I was like, "listen hear you little sh!t, you couldn`t handle me if you tried"!! What is this world coming too... :))
Dear alcohol we had a deal where you were supposed to make me cool, sexy, charming and a great dancer........I seen a video......we need to talk.
Why do they ask you "Please press 1 for English, then put you with someone who`s accent is so thick you can`t understand them?
If there were "Box Tops for Education" on cases of beer, my kid`s school would be rich.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I`m alone I will look at them shocked and just quietly whisper.... "You can see me?"
My New Years resolution is always don’t die. So far so good.
When your kids become teenagers, it`s important to have a dog so someone in the house is happy to see you.
Reason number 347 why I hate Facebook: A guy from high school posted 11 new photos all with the caption "me"
If you feel bad because you didn’t do well on a final, just remember someone from your hometown is still trying to become a rapper.
Why do people with the most to say contribute the least?
You know a guy likes you when his pants give you a thumbs up ;)
My bed is half full - Lonely optimist.
I could really go for a vegetable sandwich! Maybe some tomatoes, some spinach, cucumbers... With cheese. And a hamburger patty. And bacon. Ok I really want a bacon cheeseburger.
Once my ex knocked on my door & then shouted that it was her, so I texted “im not home” then seconds later I texted “if u happen to be here”