Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
You can steal my status updates whenever you want, but just remember that I lick every single one before I post them...
The statement ‘Hey! Calm down!’ has a zero to no success rate of getting someone to calm down.
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream. Bring it.
I just found out that a bucket of KFC when you`re finished with it, also doubles as a porta-potty...
I`ve decided that I`m an ass man. Don`t get me wrong, horses are beautiful. They just aren`t as cute as donkeys.
Clearly, it is wrong to describe woman`s menopause as "the old Fallopian tubes finally rusting shut." My bad.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice ... it`s cuz you have really nice tits.
No, I don`t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
I was halfway through a recipe when I read the instruction "Now chill in fridge for at least two hours". I only managed 30 minutes. I was freezing.
This one time, I got trapped inside a couch cushion fort for like 47 days cause I forgot to put a secret door on it.
I wish all videos of people twerking ended with them catching on fire.
If there`s a "Mr." in front of your cat`s name you`re going to die alone.
Beer never asks me if I think another beer is prettier than it.
I love giving orders. My favorite is "Another one. And make it a double."
No one will ever look at you the way I do ... But thats probably because no one will ever do it from the tree outside your window