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"Don`t try this at home" encourages people to try it at another`s home instead.
Eventually I will find Bigfoot and he will tell me all he knows about Hide & Seek.
When a woman asks you to guess her age, it`s like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb
I was just awarded the first place trophy for laziness. All I need now is for someone to accept it on my behalf.
The next time there`s an awkward silence, try whispering, "Did you forget your line?"
Dude, I can`t post AND know when the light turns green. I`m pretty, not magical.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
when I`m quiet, strangers look at me and think I`m shy. People who know me think: OMG! he`s thinking! EVERYBODY RUN!
Bulimia: Twice the taste. Zero Calories.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be a Pilot...but apparently I was too young.
No thanks, Inspirational guy, but I am only on Facebook for the jokes and the meltdowns.
“Star Wars” fans are very upset that the story line of the upcoming new “Star Wars” movie has been leaked. Apparently the movie starts with R2-D2, Chewbacca, and Han
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like `responsibility`
I’m not saying I need to manscape, but when I get an erection it looks like Pinocchio has joined the Taliban.