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Love makes the world go `round, but alcohol makes it spin.
Condom slogan: Wrap it in latex or she`ll get your paychecks.
Never confuse the words "venom" and "poison". Venom is injected into blood by an animal. Poison is injected into food by a woman.
Whoa! Thank you warning label! I was actually considering using my new floor lamp in the shower.
Yesterday I jokingly asked my wife what she was burning for dinner. Turns out it was all my personal belongings.
You can`t fight Destiny. Because if you try to fight Destiny, then you have to fight the bouncers and the rest of the strippers too...
When I squeeze a tube of `whitening toothpaste` and it’s blue, I’m like, well this is off to a bad start.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024....
I eat tacos over a tortilla so that way when stuff falls out Boom another taco.
I couldn`t be on a reality show because I wouldn`t want my mom to see how many times I make the jerk-off motion when we talk on the phone
I try to do all my pooping at work. Cause if you can get paid to poop, you`d be a fool not to.
Women use sex to get stuff, men lose stuff because of sex.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers. Nothing bad has happened, but I’m trying to be proactive.
Spank me once, shame on you. Spank me twice, now we`re getting somewhere.
Her: Do you want to run away with me? ME: We won`t actually be running, right?