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Somebody has to be awesome…might as well be me.
The first rule of Right Club is that your wife is the only member of Right Club
Is it just me, or do mirrors look really sexy?
There’s always that one person that catches you doing something weird.
Alcohol goes in ... Happiness comes out.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim.
OMG!! IT`S MONDAY ... What the f*ck do you think comes after Sunday, Sunday JR. ?
Don`t waste your time being difficult. Put forth a little more effort and be impossible.
Sometimes when it rains I go outside with a cocktail umbrella and pretend I`m a Giant.
Relationships are like just-out-of-the-oven pizza. You know it`s going to burn you, but it looks so good and maybe this time it won`t?
On the bright side, my coffee will never get cold in hell.
Are you bored? Go to someone`s Facebook wall, Scroll down 4 months and like something.
A man asks a trainer in a gym - "I want to impress that beautiful girl, which machine can I use?" Trainer replies - "use the ATM"
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
People with no money sure do have a lot of pot.