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There are over 4 million workplace injuries reported every year. Play it safe…call in sick tomorrow.
I like the part of the day when food happens.
You can’t believe everything you hear, but you can repeat it.
People treat New Year’s like some sort of life changing event. If your life sucks today, it’s probably still going to suck tomorrow
I can`t face my checkbook so I check my Facebook.
Spinning in circles to get dizzy as a child was my first attempt at getting high.
I need a hug right now also five hundred thousand dollars in cash.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
If your phone gets wet, try putting it in a bag of dry rice. At night the rice will attract Asians who will fix your phone for you.
Man: "You look nice today..." Woman: "Was I ugly yesterday?"
My therapist doesn`t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
Go ahead, post sober. Ruin everything.
I`ll try to be nicer if you try to be smarter.
You call them ‘naps’ but I prefer to call them ‘alcohol-induced aftershocks`
They say love is in every corner… Then my life must be a freakin’ circle.