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Years ago, my girlfriend said, “It’s me or the beer!” I wonder how she doing…
Hope I never go to jail, because I haven`t memorized a phone number since 2003.
I hate the snow so much, I want to build a snowman just so I can punch it in its face.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
I’m exhausted just thinking of everything I have to do.
Oh no. I thought of a brilliant status to update while taking bath but by the time I got back to my phone I forgot it. This is why I hate taking a bath.
Why is it that most nudists are people you don`t want to see naked?
At the start of every relationship many girls treat their boys as a GOD but later the alphabets are reversed
This guy told me that playing the voilin is the best way to calm you down. I bet he never tried smashing it over someone`s head.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn`t use Real dinosaurs.
I was the kid my parents warned me about.
When people say they work like a dog, I look at mine and think they must mean they just lay around all day and poop wherever they feel like.
They`re all cop cars when you`re this high.
You know that greener grass you see over there? You do realize it`s because they fertilize it with bullsh!t right?
Yo fellas, how did that “wow” comment you left on that girls Facebook picture play out?