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Two flies sit on a pile of poop. One fly passes gas. The other fly looks at him and says, "Hey do you mind? I`m eating here."
Roses are red vilouts are blue your moms beautiful what happened to you!
Telling a girl to calm down is like trying to baptize a cat.
I give myself the best presents.
People all around the world are out doing interesting and productive things right now. You are reading this.
When someone tells me I`m going to hell, I`m like "yeah, duh, I work there part time as a tour guide!"
My resume is basically just a list of things I hate to do.
When a cop asks you, "Do you know why I pulled you over?" It is never a good idea to respond, "Because my tires look like donuts?"
When life hands you lemons it should only remind you to buy more tequila, life is as simple as that.
My wife’s cooking brings a whole new meaning to.. eat sh!t and die.
I`m at the facebook saloon, drinking all night long
I hung a horseshoe above the door for goodluck ... My wife still came home ... Superstitions are stupid.
I`d say that most of my mistakes can be traced back to when I decided to get out of bed. ... just sayin! ;)
Let this be known as my Living Will. I do not wish to be cremated. If the Zombie Apocalypse happens I would like to be a part of it.
If you catch a homeless couple having sex is it rude to tell them to "get a room"?