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I`m really good at using the turkey baster as a sword and getting drunk and not being invited to Thanksgiving anymore.
Sometimes I think of something so wrong and inappropriate that my little black heart skips a beat with delight.
Sorry I liked your status, I was cleaning my phone.
Whats the definition of a tree? Something that stands still for forty years then suddenly jumps out in front of a woman driver.
Turns out if you fake your death every monday work catches on.
When I said I missed you, I meant with a hammer.
Man, the first five days after the weekend are always the hardest.
Grabbed Pizza Roll. Thought "my god that is so hot it`s burning my fingers" and immediately popped it in my mouth ... I`m a goddamn genius.
Meanwhile on Facebook someone has made a casserole
The only thing more amusing than someone leaving a voicemail is them asking if you actually listened to it.
I swear I can hear Google sigh every time I start typing in their search bar.
Billion dollar idea: Make a prescription drug that gets rid of the side effects of all the other prescription drugs.
Apple and Blackberry should team up and make a phone called the Pie.
I drank so much vodka last night I woke up with a Russian accent.
What`s the point of a highschool reunion? I`ve got Facebook. I already know you got fat.