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Hair growing from my ears and nostrils doesn`t mean I`m getting old, right? Means I`m turning into a werewolf! Right?
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
I`m more confused than a homeless person on house arrest.
Why do crutons come in resealable bags? Are we really worried about them going stale?
My tombstone will probably say, "Dead, but finally sober".
You know it`s gonna be a sh!tty day when you put your bra on backwords and it fits better.
H&R Block said I won`t get nearly as much back in taxes this year because apparently the neighbors want to claim their own children.
Life is like toilet paper....either you`re on a roll....or you`re taking sh*t from some asshole
Life advice: Enjoy the f*ck out of it. It`s that simple.
The truth might set you free, but lying might keep you out of jail.
Someone tore off my warning label when I was born.
That horrible moment when the TV commercials are so long that you forget what you’re watching…
Work is one long game of back and forth emails with cleverly disguised f*ck you`s.
What is it about a car that makes people think we can`t see them pick their nose?
Some people are flirting with my delete & block button