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Getting to bed early so I can be well rested and fully alert for my morning anxiety.
Restaurant Advertisement: We serve food as HOT as your neighbour’s wife; And beer as COLD as your own. :)
ASKHOLE: A person who constantly ask for your advice, yet always does the opposite of what you told them
Behind every great woman there is a man who loves doggystyle.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
Tomorrow, I`m going to open up the time capsule I buried when I was a kid. I can`t wait to see how big my puppy got!
When I was your age, we drank water straight out of the sink.
Dinosaurs never had pizza and they all died.
Why do they have “limited edition” scented candles? Are there crazy people collecting these things?
Arguing with people in the comments section is like crack for me. I don`t do it.
When I was a kid, my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called "Identity Theft".
The realization that Netflix knows me better than my closest friends....
My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don`t try to run her life and I don`t try to run mine.
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
I’m not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they’d come up sliced.