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99% sure my soulmate is a piece of pizza.
I finally figured out why men love belly rings so much on their women. It reminds them of the staple in the middle of their porn magazines!
There are a thousand better ways to spend your time and yet here you are with me.
Checked a lot off my thought-about-doing-today list.
So you constantly feel sorry for yourself and feel the need to tell everyone all about it. I can’t imagine why he left you.
"No! Don`t go into the church! Nooo!" ... "Honey, what movie are you watching?" ... "Our wedding video."
I can sum up my life in three words: “just browsing, thanks.”
Feeling stressed out? Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever`s bugging you.
Apparently typos only become visible to the human eye after you hit send.
Is Google a boy or a girl? Obviously it`s a girl because it won`t let you finish your sentence without suggesting other ideas
Sometimes I just go on Facebook to see who has been dumped and who is pregnant.
I always dress up when I try to cook. The odds of me starting a fire are pretty high and I want to make sure I look good for the firemen.
You say you want to bring me back to reality. You’re assuming I’ve been there before.
Reasons I check my voicemail: 1% to hear the message. 99% to get rid of that annoying icon.
Of course women have cleaner minds than men. They change them much more often