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I’m not paranoid, but everyone thinks I am.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary. Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shi t.
I commend any woman for going into labor outside a hospital setting. If I have to poop anywhere besides my own bathroom I go into panic mode
The first five days after the weekend are always the hardest.
Who am I calling stupid?? Good question.... What`s your name?!
Firemen, Astronauts, and Doctors are the only people who actually followed through on what they wanted to be when they grew up.
They said I couldn`t drink or operate machinery on my medication. But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss`s car…
When you say "9 out of 10 forest fires are caused by humans." All I hear is "there`s a bear out there that knows how to use matches."
From all these shows I`ve watched it seems like snipers lay down a lot of the day....I`d probably be pretty good at that job.
If at first you don`t succeed, you`ll get a lot of free advice from folks who didn`t succeed either.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
80% of my life is pulling percentages out of thin air and stating them as facts...
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone "Hello you`re on the air" and 99% of the time people will just hang up
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket. Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.