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I may look like I`m doing nothing, but in my head I`m quite busy.
I might enjoy work more if at the end of the day I could slide down the back of a brontosaurus directly into my car.
Dear college students, Sorry about your GPA. - Netflix
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn`t for any religious reasons. They couldn`t find three wise men and a virgin.
Roses are red, Facebook is blue, no mutual friends, who the F#%K are you?
If A-B-C-D didn’t drag out their part of the Alphabet song, LMNOP wouldn’t have to be so rushed.
If you get excited that jumping on the bed won`t spill the wineglass on the other side, you`re probably an alcoholic.
It`s so awkward when you get texted to come over and you have to pretend like you weren`t already inside their house.
Thanks for the free weekend offer E-Harmony but my wife said I can`t use it.
When I have a yard sale I play the theme song to Sanford & Son with a boombox on my porch.
Two of the greatest mysteries of the universe: 1) Why are we here? 2) How come Chinese restaurants don`t serve breakfast?
Whenever I see people lined up outside a club on Friday night, I just think "look at all these poor people who don`t know Netflix exists."
"I’m definitely going to do that tomorrow.” — Me being delusional