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When`s it gonna be the 4th of July? I feel like blowin somethin` up and not gettin` arrested.
How many "zero likes" do you have to get on Facebook before you realize nobody gives a crap about you
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I`m going to need those back.
I have no words to describe this day. I do however have a number of obscene gestures that would work.
I`m getting all dressed up. Have a feeling I might be on COPS tonight.
Is somebody not editing what I´m saying here???
I guess I’ll take my Christmas tree down today.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there`s a home invasion the intruder will think I`m part of the team.
Hugh Hefner dead at age 91. With the amount of Viagra that guy must have been taking, good luck closing that casket lid.
Just realized all books are different combinations of the same 26 letters. This is BS!
I`m already an idiot, I just need a village.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
All of my plans for the future start out with “when I get rich”
I won employee of the month!!!…. again! I love being self employed.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying "the economy" a lot.