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I`ve had like 10 red bulls, so of course I`m vacuuming the front yard.
Taking selfies is a lot of work when you’re not attractive.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
I won`t be impressed with technology until I can download food.
How can you tell if a smurf has the blues?
It`s called PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
Right now I`m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I`ve forgotten this before.
Scientist Proved That There are more Than 124786534688644478 People Living In This world who are Too Lazy To Read The Above Number...!!!
Life really is all down-hill once you get to big too ride in the shopping cart
I don`t drink to get drunk, I drink to.....no wait, I definitely drink to get drunk.
You had me at "do we need to stop at the liquor store on the way to your place"
When you leave store without buying anything and all you can think is `keep calm, you`re innocent`.
My bed is half full - Lonely optimist.
Admit it, we’ve all hidden our favorite food from the rest of our family.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers. "Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?" SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!!