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Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I`ve ever made.
Types of like on facebook: 1.Stalker like. 2.Crush like. 3.I wanna bang you like. 4.Agree like 5.Pity like.
You know you are old when people keep telling you how young you look.
You should always love a woman for her personality. We have so many to choose from.
Ways to get to my heart: 1) food ... that’s pretty much it
I`ve made up my mind, I`m not giving up anything for Lent, I`m no quitter...
Facebook- to help future generations discover if there`s ever been any mental illness in the family.
If you see a road sign that says "Survey Crew Ahead" they actually are not looking for your opinions ... I know that now.
Plot twist: WebMD says you`re just thirsty
I got 99 problems but a least my name aint North West.
Interesting fact: Prior to the creation of hummus and ranch dressing nobody ate uncooked vegetables.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
If he pauses a video game to text you, he`s probably already losing, no need to feel special or anything,
Office thermostats only have 2 settings: hell fire and hypothermia.
I’m over the 30-day ab challenge ... Is there a 30-day nap challenge I can take on?