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My boss hates "yes" men and I have to agree with him.
There´s a thin line between "I should do a status update about that" and "I should talk to a therapist about that"
Never trust a person with only one Facebook photo of themselves.
Care less and you’ll stress less.
Updating my status in the car. Don’t worry, I’m in the passenger seat. Which makes it harder to drive, but fools the cops.
If you think about it,, Batman was pretty lazy about naming all his stuff.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
People I hate are not allowed to be funny.
The three most terrifying words a woman can utter to a man are "notice anything different?"
My neighbors complained that I never mow my lawn. So I started mowing. The cops showed up at 3 a.m.. These neighbors are never happy...
Frankly auto correct,I`m getting tired of your shirt.
My therapist says I`m paranoid, which is exactly what you might expect from a shapeshifting lizard hired by the CIA to track my whereabouts.
i like cake. and thats all for today goodbye :)
I`m going to clean my house today and by clean I mean I`m drinking vodka and spraying Febreze everywhere.
I`m not ignoring your calls, I just love my ringtone.