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Warning: this life contains strong language, adult situations and nudity.
Some of the nicest women you`ll meet on Facebook are men.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors and all of them got laid.
they say "money cant buy happiness" but money pays for my internet connection and my vodka so im thinking maybe "they" are wrong
Republicans are red, Democrats are blue. The government is shut down cause neither one gives a damn about you.
If I didn`t procrastinate, I probably wouldn`t do anything at all.
It only takes 2 ingredients to make a baby. Does that not blow your mind. Like at least there should be some flour or something.
My living room is pretty much a fat camp without rules.
Sometimes I have to tell myself, "It`s not worth the jail time!"
Dear Fruity Pebbles: Calorie content w/out milk is unnecessary. Anyone shoving dry Fruity Pebbles down their throat isn’t counting calories.
If you can´t convince them, confuse them.
Who ever invented the knock knock joke should get the no bell prize.
Things that don`t kill bees: 1. Furniture polish 2. Febreeze 3. Butter 4. Screaming
Being human is expensive and exhausting.
I had lunch with a chess player yesterday. It took him 20 minutes to pass the salt.