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I`m going to be very disappointed if I go to England and nobody skips to the loo.
I typed bitch into my GPS and guess what? I`m in your drive way. Vroom, vroom mother f*%ker.
Maybe Oscar wouldn`t have been so grouchy if the people on Sesame Street cared about the fact that he`s homeless
Let me just flip this here omelette.... aaaaaand I`m having scrambled eggs
So what if I`m single now ... I mean it can`t be that hard to boil toast, can it?
I’m not shy, I’m just really good out figuring out who is not worth talking to.
I named my dog "5 Miles" so I can tell people, "I walk 5 Miles every day"
Sorry I said "at least it`s healthy" when you asked me how cute your baby was.
Depression is just your body`s way of saying it needs more orgasms.
It`s hard to look like a bad-ass when you`re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
You know what is cheaper than therapy? ... Admitting you`re batshit crazy and running with it.
just bought 400 copies of Hoarders: Season 1. Not sure what to do with them.
Google maps should have a “Scenic!” route option for when we’re not in a hurry and just want to enjoy the ride.
?"Cheating" is such a strong word. I rather call it "talent scouting".
I`m the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body, but if you betray me, just remember: I KNOW HOW TO HIDE A DEAD BODY