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The divorce rate among my socks is astonishing.
If you think I hate you ... I probably do.
Is it wrong to drop off drunks at houses that aren`t theirs?
The only way I know if I’ve bought enough beer is if my car thinks I have a passenger.
I swear my bed just whispered "Please Don`t go."
“Grandbrother” sounds much cooler than uncle.
The truth is, men put the lids on jars that tight so you’d need us, we’re not that stupid.
Every Instagram caption should just be, "ARE YOU JEALOUS OF MY LIFE YET??"
I`m one step away from being rich, all I need now is money.
Is everything expensive or am I simply poor?
Inspirational status of the day: Don’t be a douche.
I can`t believe that it`s the year 2012, and I still have to bend down to pick stuff up.
Unless life also gives you sugar and water, your lemonade`s gonna suck!
Bacon is the only exception that does not fall under the 5 second rule for dropped food.
A friend suggested I see a therapist but the truth is, I like being f*cked up.