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when life gives you lemons; ask for tequila and salt
Guys... If the girl your getting down with doesn`t even have time to fake an orgasm..... It`s prob best you just make your sandwich
That moment when you offer somebody a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she`s not your friend anymore
Who knew adulthood would involve so much Advil?
Toilets are really just fart amplifiers when you are trying to be quiet.
A good example of mixed emotions would be finding a hundred dollar bill nailed to your tire.
Getting to places would be so much easier if I had a helicopter.
The only way I know if I’ve bought enough beer is if my car thinks I have a passenger.
Despite the high cost of living, it still remains popular.
“Check that sh!t out” luckily rarely refers to actual sh!t.
Christmas is just like a day at the office ... You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
Don`t mistake my middle finger as an offer.
I always say, your laundry is never completely done, unless you do it in the nude. Which probably explains the strange looks at the laundrymat this afternoon.
I just want to be as thin as my patience.
Facebook should make it to where it says, `Went from being in a relationship` to `Problem solved.`