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Still waiting for a Discovery Channel "How It`s Made" episode on babies.
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
India launched a rocket to Mars yesterday… That’s a heck of a place to put a call center.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn`t hire stupid people......
We live in a society that`s the most knowledgeable about a zombie apocalypse, but the most likely to be eaten while staring at our phones.
I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back.
If the TV show "Cops" has taught me anything, it`s to stay away from people with blurry faces....... they always seem to attract trouble.......
A homeless man comes up to me asking for change, I say "Change comes from within." He looked stunned.
If you get angry, just take deep breaths and count to ten. Unless you`re angry about oxygen and numbers.
I`m great in bed" ~ breakfast
Since it is the day to give thanks, I would like to say once again...you`re welcome.
The best way to change a woman`s mind is to agree with her.
Pool is my favorite sport because you don`t have to run and there`s beer five feet away.
Never piss off the person that cooks your dinner ... EVER!
Top 5 things I stare into: 1) My phone. 2) The fridge. 3) Space. 4) The abyss. 5) Your windows.