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Boss: Are you on drugs? Me: You and I both know I don`t make enough money to have a drug problem
The hardest thing about returning to work after a long weekend is remembering to fart quietly.
If you don’t cuss when you drive you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
No YouP*rn… I do not want to play poker, I’m at work for crying out loud.
Not All Of The `Goodbyes` Are Sad (eg. * Goodbye School * Goodbye Work)
Did you know that running for just 10 minutes a day raises your risk of posting inspirational quotes by 63%?
I would have a girlfriend but finding someone who likes to be ignored is hard.
I would lose weight, but I hate losing..
The longer I`m left unattended in the Drs office the more tongue depressors I can lick and put back in the jar..... Just sayin
What would I give the woman who has everything? Well, my phone number for a start.
I think I can survive on Mars since they found water for my coffee.
I don`t even understand Fantasy Football. There are no Dragons, Wizards, or hot ass Elven chicks. I call bullsh!t.
I had a bit of a lazy day sitting in my underwear looking for jobs online. My boss was furious.
I will be forever in your debt if you would just loan me 1 million dollars.
I smile because your my daughter. I laugh because there`s nothing you can do about it. ;)