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I`ll never have a kid as cool as the one my parents did…
The Hobbit 2: we`ve still got a long way to walk
says, I am not an alcoholic. I am a social drinker. Problem is, I socialize too much!
Those friends who like and at the same time unlike my statuses please you`re increasing my blood pressure!
My gift horse is facing the wrong way
Don’t trust people that dislike pizza. They’re probably not human.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
Exercise makes you look better naked. Alcohol does the same, you pick..
My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex but my girlfriend insists it says dyslexia.
Men ask us if we`re naked when we tell them we`re taking a bath. THAT`S why they pay more for their car insurance.
A fun thing to do is take a group picture at a party. Then leave & print it at Walgreens. Buy a frame, go back to party, & place it on the mantel at the party.
Don`t text me while I`m texting you. Now I have to go back and change my text.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn`t around and you couldn`t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
I`m terribly conflicted when people I hate from work, bring cupcakes.