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Friend: Hey that`s a great truck. what kinda engine? Me: [rubbing the hood] it`s got a truck engine
Didn`t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
Iām actually not funny. Iām just really mean & people think Iām joking.
"Being naked isn`t fun" - said no one ever.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
If someone tells you "it`s better than sex" they`re not doing the sex right.
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to `Brandy from the club` then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.
I`m old enough to remember being the tv remote.
Somethings are best unsaid but my brain to mouth filter has never worked right.
Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today." Woman: "EXCUSE ME?!" [whispers]"Dear Diary, I think she can hear me."
Some people you know was dropped on their heads as babies. Some were clearly thrown in the air, hit the ceiling fan, bounced off the wall and fell out the window.
"Hey bro shotgun this beer" No I don`t drink "You wanna be cool don`t you?" I don`t drink "C`mon NERD!" Grandma PLEASE stop
I really like this new reality show "Neighbor Without Drapes"
Procrastination: when "make a bucket list" is on your bucket list.
When finding someone to date, drinking compatibility is more important than you think.