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It`s called "Biscotti" because nobody would buy "chocolate covered croutons".
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I`ve ever made.
Girl: What`s the plan, get me drunk and take advantage of me. Boy: Good, you`ve done this before
I can`t afford Disney World so we go to the biggest hill on my street and my kids wait an hour before I roll them down in my office chair.
You are wasting your time reading this status.
If you`re going take a bathroom picture, at least clean it off. I can`t see anything through all the toothpaste.
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When is National Slap a Co-worker Day? ... Please say tomorrow
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
The closest I`ve come to camping was that one time when I fell asleep in the bushes outside your window with my camera.
I wake up everyday planning to be productive and then a voice in my head says “haha good one” and we laugh and laugh and take a nap.
My status would be a lot funnier if you could see my back-up dancers.
Homes are 750 square feet larger today than they were 30 years ago. Unfortunately, so are most Americans.
Sometimes I wish my dog could talk…then I remember all the things he has seen me do when I’m alone.
I can`t turn water into wine, but I can turn vodka into dinner