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It`s all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship`s kitchen.
Nothing says you`re ugly like Facebook asking, "are you sure you want to make this your profile picture ?"
I am not bossy, I just know how to do things the right way.
It’s impressive how quickly I can go from full to starving.
Why do we say "A word to the wise" when it`s the stupid ones who need it?
The right man will love you unconditionally, will be loyal, and will always be happy to see you. ... Oh wait, That`s my dog. My dog does that.
Do you ever order a club sandwich just to feel like you`re a part of something?
Cant imagine the look on Obamas face when he saw `Olympus Has Fallen`..His next quote would have been.."No more Taiwans in the secret Elevetor office"
If we could master the look dogs have when we’re eating in front of them, we’d be able to have sex with any woman at will.
if a guy tells you you`re ugly ; he wants you, if a girl tells you your ugly; she`s jealouse, if you a kid tells you your`re ugly..... you`re ugly.
Some people just bring out the psycho in me
If your parachute doesn`t deploy don`t worry, you have the rest of your life to fix it.
This is how my week goes: Mooooooooooooonday Tuuuuuuuuuuuuesday Weeeeeeeeeeednesday Thuuuuuuuuuuursday FridaySaturdaySunday.
Next time I`m on an elevator with four or more strangers, I`m going to turn around and say, "I`m sure you`re wondering why I`ve gathered you all here."
I can always tell when I`m drunk. I tend to drop things...like my standards