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Do you ever think that if it weren`t for someone smoking Marijuana they might of killed you already. . .
Some days your the bug; some days your the windshield.
It`s weird how Dora is multilingual at 4 but can`t find the banana tree behind her...
Does a transformer get car insurance or life insurance?
Married sext: I`m not wearing any underwear, because you never put the f*cking laundry in the dryer like I asked you to 100 times
My wife thinks I`m at work. My boss thinks I`m home sick. These ducks think I`m awesome because I have the bread.
After meeting me... my therapist is now in therapy...
Coworker drank the last of the coffee and now he`s going to the clinic for a `work related` injury.
3 words, 8 letters, easy to say, hard to prove... ..."I`m a zebra."
Knock knock Who`s there? Control Freak. Now you say "Control Freak who?"
Relationship status: sleeping in my bed diagonally.
The bad news is I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. The good news is I no longer give a crap.
Friends are like condoms… they protect you when things get hard.
Who’s that sexy beast…………..oh I clicked on my own profile again. ;)
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.