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Nothing is impossible. I know a man that once guessed correctly why a woman was mad at him.
I’ve found if you tuck one part of a pants leg into your sock, people expect less of you.
I thought about going outside and doing something today but my Wi-Fi really doesn`t reach very far.
Getting out of bed feels like the worst thing that’s ever happened to me ... every time it happens.
If people are talking behind your back, then just fart.
Rappers seem to have an unhealthy interest in female dogs, don`t they?
"My name is Robert and I support apples." -- Bob for apples
Scientists say the Universe is made up of Protons, Neutrons and Electrons... They forgot to add Morons.
I will stop drinking when Captain Morgan puts his foot down.
Keep calm and pretend today isn’t Monday.
It`s not condescending if they`re stupid.
You know when you’re exercising and feel like you could keep going and going? That’s happening to me, only with beer.
How can society expect me to be a mature productive member of it I don`t even know if it`s spelled gray or grey
Before Walmart you had to buy a ticket to the fair to see a bearded lady!
Procrastination: when "make a bucket list" is on your bucket list.