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If I had a dollar for every time I got suspicious… I’d wonder who the f&*k was paying me, and why?
Reasons to get out of bed: Food.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don`t come to work
I`ve had frozen pizza and delivery pizza in the same day, b!tch you don`t know me.
Instead of exes, they should be called whys.
People who say `expresso` instead of `espresso,` may I axe you to please stop? Thanx.
Excuse me but which level of Hell is this?
Sometimes giving someone a second chance is like giving them an extra bullet for their gun because they missed the first time.
OMG!! IT`S MONDAY ... What the f*ck do you think comes after Sunday, Sunday JR. ?
Plug your headphones into a banana. Everyone will leave you alone twice as much.
If rolling your eyes burned calories, Facebook would be my gym.
It`s not hotter this year. It`s just that you are fatter and there is more surface area for the sun to hit.
I don`t have any skeletons in my closet because I bury my victims in the backyard!
When I was a boy, Mom would send me down to the corner store with $1 and I would get 5 bags of potatoes, 2 loaves of bread, 3 bottles of milk, some cheese and 6 eggs. You can`t do that now, to many damn security cameras!
You had me at 0 mutual friends