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Three decades of playing Tetris have apparently not improved our nation`s ability to stow overhead luggage.
I wonder how seaworld would react if I walked in there with a fishing pole....
Marriage. Because your sh!tty day doesn`t have to end at work.
It’s strange to think that the sound of nature is the sound of millions of animals desperately trying to get laid.
With all the potato chip flavors available now, I see no point in buying actual food...
The best black Friday deal ... sleep - $0.
When I get a prescription for drugs, I don`t ask, `Will it work? Are there any side effects?` No, it`s `Can I drink with these?`
I bet every guy would be faithful if God took an inch off his d!ck every time he cheated...
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
The only stock options I have are chicken and beef.
As you get closer and closer to the end of this status, I think it`s important that you lower your expectations.
I once had a goldfish that could break-dance on carpet, but only for like 20 seconds...
If you don`t believe that women will actually fight over a pair of shoes, you`ve never watched The Wizard of Oz!
"This is so wrong," I say excitedly, my heart racing, my hands trembling.. as I butter a doughnut
Just spent like 5 hours talking to my neighbor about his garden and long story short, turns out it was just a f*cking scarecrow.