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I clean my house like everyone else ... 5 minutes before someone comes over.
i think lady gaga puts glue on herself, and rolls around random items.
Things to do today.....pet all the spiders in my house at least twice with my shoe.
Getting to places would be so much easier if I had a helicopter.
If you go shopping at Walmart and no one stares at you as you walk by, you`re one of them.
I can bench 250 lbs. And by that, I mean, I can sit myself down on a bench in a local park.
You know when you`re exercising and feel like you could keep going and going? That`s happened to me, only with beer.
Be thankful your GPS doesn`t get PMS: “Fine! Turn whichever way you want! You never listen to me anyway!”
I haven`t lost all of my marbles but there is definitely a hole in the bag.
Whenever someone says to me “Things could be worse” I punch them in the face and say “Like that?”
The only b word you should call a woman is beautiful. B!tches love to be called beautiful.
Why is powdered milk called ‘Instant milk’? Actual milk is far more instant.
Just hired two Private Investigators to follow each other. I`ll keep you posted......
Vodka mixes well with everything, except decisions.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking. Or help them move.