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Put that down you fat piece of sh!t` - the title of the dieting book I`m writing.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary. Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shi t.
2 out of 3 isn`t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes.
The way dogs get excited when you throw a tennis ball is the way I feel about my first beer after work.
I don`t want to set the world on fire........just you.
Maybe Mondays are not that bad. Maybe its your job that sucks balls.
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
Roses are red, violets are blue, If your parents told you you`re beautiful, they`re lyin to you..:D
Is it just me, or that sea witch Ursula from the Little Mermaid inspired from a full blown flamboyant drag queen?
The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase Regards again.
I’ve learned to use meditation to handle stress. Just kidding, I’m on my third glass of wine.
Vaginas are like the weather. When it`s wet, it`s time to go inside.
This is the only way I know how to correctly use a semi-colon ;)
Being unsure has never stopped me from making a decision.