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What idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles?
People are always much more interesting before you get to know them.
Dear New Years Resolutions People; You don`t have to wait for the New Year to get your sh*t together and become a better person.
Oh well, this time isn`t going to procrastinate itself.
Oh honey, you`re not pretty enough to be that stupid
The tragedy of Scooby-Doo is that whoever kept supplying criminals with such realistic prosthetic masks was never caught.
Leftover bacon? Lol that’s up there with unicorns, leprechauns, and soulmates.
You move into my house, delete all my porn, decorate every wall with rooster pictures, talk incessantly, leave hair everywhere and are too tired for sex?? Sounds great, let`s do it!!
"If your reading this, I think your awesome!"
Judging by the commercials, only old white guys with sailboats can suffer from erectile dysfunction.
Never piss off the person that cooks your dinner ... EVER!
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. "Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs"
My wife is driving me to drink. I hope she remembers to pick me up when I’m done.
I`ll stop being so lazy when being so lazy stops being so awesome.!!
When you are not happy and would like to go back to being young, think of Algebra!