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Summer vacation: Where you drink triple, see double and act single.
If I could only use one word to describe myself, it would probably be: "not good at following directions".
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
It’s almost 2015, I expect a toaster that pops the bread up in a less terrifying way.
Sometimes I write "This is a hold up. I have a gun." in the memo of the checks I write for people and pray they cash them at the teller.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
I don`t burn bridges. I just loosen the bolts a little bit each day.
If anybody out there happens to have my voodoo doll, can u please scratch my balls. I happe to be in a public place at the moment.
When you say "9 out of 10 forest fires are caused by humans." All I hear is "there`s a bear out there that knows how to use matches."
The wife and I just got divorced. We split the house ... I got the outside.
I laugh in the face of normal.
It would be funny if the husband is actually sleeping with the Jake from state Farm.
Roses are cars, violets are buckets. This poem makes no sense. Eyeballs.
When I see somebody get on one knee tying their shoe in public I get in front of them, happy cry, and say “Oh my GOD, I will, YES-YESS!”
People who enjoy life, rarely have a flat stomach.