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People around me think I`m losing it. So today, I had to sit myself down and have a talk.
It doesn`t matter whether the glass is half empty or half full. There`s clearly room for more Alcohol
I stepped on the scale today. Not to get my weight. I just couldn`t reach the cookies in the cupboard.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying "gracias" at Mexican restaurants.
I have never faked a sarcasm in my entire life!
Scientist Proved That There are more Than 124786534688644478 People Living In This world who are Too Lazy To Read The Above Number...!!!
Instead of `What`s on your mind?` Facebook should say `Just relax on the couch and tell me all about your problems. Don`t worry, nobody will know`..
If you have just started playing flappy bird I would like to warn you there is nothing up ahead but more dangling pipes and disappointment
TIP OF THE DAY: If you can`t afford porn, just turn on tennis and shut your eyes.
Talk to your kids about drugs. Maybe they have better connections than you.
The roof of the McDonalds in my town has 38 Pickle slices on it from times I ordered sh!t without pickles in it.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says "declined" whenever you use it.
Bands who can`t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
I like to walk by a chick in slow motion so she thinks i`m the one
Of course women have cleaner minds than men. They change them so damn often.