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When you`re accused of buying someone a gift last-minute at Walgreens, don`t reveal you actually went to Walgreens a month ago.
I used to drink a lot in the 80s. Then I realized, who cares what the temperature is?
The early bird gets the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Life is so much funnier if you have a dirty mind
Parts of a worm: 1) Worm
if I was a bird, I know who I´d poop on first.
Ice cream is clearly God`s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
When I said I missed you, I meant with a hammer.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say "Pretty good, so far."
I once had the desire to do something worthwhile with my life. Then I discovered naps.
I’m not sure why, but to me Cheerios sound like the happiest of all circular shaped cereals.
Everything just seems much better when you`re in denial
I need to do laundry so bad I`m actually wearing Christmas stockings
If people could hear the next five seconds after we hit end call, we would all have no friends.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on for awhile.