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I just got the results of my IQ test. It came back negative.
Something about today makes me want to be hungover tomorrow.
Blessed are they who can just read it and move on.
The only correct answer to "Are you ticklish?" is "I will kill you."
I have every episode of Hoarders saved on DVD.
I bet you 20 dollas I`m broke
Ever update an app and realize the "fixed issues" were all a lie and it will never be the same? That`s what going back to an ex is like.
“I demand a recount.” – Me, in a nugget dispute at McDonald’s.
I`m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of sh!t, but she broke into someone`s house and just started eating their breakfast.
If you enter a room and there`s no food, you`re in the wrong room.
Some days I feel about as useful as the pants in Donald Duck`s closet.
I went to the store to buy some comdoms and the cashier asked me If I needed a bag ? "I replied No she`s not that ugly"
what do you mean booze ain`t food!?
I am a gentleman, based on the clubs I go to.
6 FUNNIEST CONTRADICTING WORDS 1.Clearly misunderstood 2.Exact estimate 3.Small crowd 4.Found missing 5.Fully empty 6.Happily married