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That awkward moment when you run into someone and there`s no where to hide
My spirit animal is that chicken who keeps crossing the road for reasons no one can figure.
Hey NSA, we all know you`re there now. So click the approve on my Candy Crush ticket request.
When I arrive at work, how long can I spend screaming in my car before it becomes weird?
I`m so sick and tired of my light weight friends who can`t handle their alcohol...Last night , they dropped me 3 times when carrying me out of the bar!
I`ve found that the things I`m most interested in aren`t really in my best interest.
More celebrities should donate blood. I mean, imagine having the blood of Will Smith running through your veins.
I feel like I have not told enough people lately to kiss my mother f*cking a$$.
I thought we were both kidding when we made plans for me to watch your kid.
There`s a sucker born every minute, but swallowers are harder to find.
Working on my 32 point plan to be more spontaneous. Any suggestions?
If any of you have gotten any weird texts from me recently, its because my phone is working fine and I`m just trying to make you feel uncomfortable.
Anyone going to stare at their phones anywhere cool this weekend?
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80`s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
Is it too early to start drinking? - some moron with a clock.