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All my childhood invisible friends are probably doctors and lawyers now.
If you are used to seeing a fat, naked guy walk around his house, then you are probably my neighbor.
Yes, I dance in my car. Yes, I see you staring at me. No, I do not care.
Best Relationship Advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
Somewhere, right this minute, someone is reading this sentence.
I know I should lift weights, but those things are heavy!!
You know when you`re exercising and feel like you could keep going and going? That`s happened to me, only with beer.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It`s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
I always buy a Get Well Soon card for the couple who invites me to their wedding.
Who`s more foolish, a fool or the person who takes a fool`s advice?
So I turned my phone onto " airplane mode" and threw it up into the air. Worst transformer ever!
I`m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose "baby weight" is to have the baby.
So far I’ve spent most of 2014 flipping off the weather channel.
It`s always best to fart when there`s a baby on the bus. They always get the blame.
Does running out of money count as exercise?