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I only say “bless you” twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume you cant be blessed and you’re a demon who must be destroyed.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 17 books and showered.
The best things in life are free, but they still screw you on shipping.
It`s all fun and games until you find out she`s a psychotic bitch...
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
I like to smile at people who don`t like me because I`m an asshole
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn`t mean to eat it. I don`t want to be a bug.
If I live to be 100, I`m gonna make up some fake reason why, just to mess with people. Like, I ate a pine cone, or drank olive oil every single day...
I was going to LIKE and compliment your FB pic, but I`m not a good liar.
I was going to exercise this morning, but then all the sprinkles would fall off my cupcake.
High-five a veteran today.
According to science the atoms in my body contain the energy of 30 hydrogen bombs, and yet, not enough energy to get up early and go jogging.
Don`t wait until you`re on your deathbed to tell people how you really feel because you could be too weak to raise your middle finger.
The amount of time my smartphone spends plugged in charging, you might as well want to call it a Land-line
Everyone hates performance enhancing drugs. Yet, everyone loves Captain America.