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"I`d like a bowl of soup please." "Any sides?" "I hope so, or it`ll go EVERYWHERE."
"Check, please!" - Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
I don`t hate you, I`m just not necessarily excited about your existence.
96% of my life is spent trying to figure out when I can get my next nap in.
April Fools Day has been cancelled this year.
When I`m bored I like to dress in a grim reaper costume and stand across the street from the nursing home and wave at the old folks.
I hide my vodka in orange juice
I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back.
I`m not sure it`s possible to fill a moving truck these days without the word "Tetris" being brought into the conversation.
If by angry birds you mean flipping off a$$holes while driving then yes I`m at the expert level of Angry Birds
Can I have your number or do you just want the 8 dollars for the drink?
When are they going to drug test the audience of "The Price Is Right."? No one is that happy
To-Do List : Nothing[?]
Ate too much salad yesterday so I`m going on an Oreos cleanse today.
Missed connection: you were washing your car in a bathing suit. I rode past your house 78 times. You threw a rock at me.