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So what was the best thing before sliced bread?
One of the first things they tell you in AA is to stop hanging around alcoholics. So I listened, and never went back.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes… Can you pick me up some beer on your way back?
You health nuts are gonna feel real stupid when you`re laying in the hospital dying of nothing.
I’m going to start telling girls that I’m available for a limited time only in hopes that their shopping instinct kicks in.
I`m having one of those days where my middle finger is answering every question!!!
I`m gonna surprise my hand with some sex tonight!
You are by far my smartest and best looking friend on Facebook.
This drag race is not at all what I expected. Are they in dresses inside of the cars, at least?
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I`m not expecting them to be practical
I swear on this f*cking chicken I will never swear again. Oops.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says "declined" whenever you use it.
Beach people are fickle. One minute you`re the loser with a bucket of cold fries and the next they`re terrified of the Lord of Seagulls.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth. I woke up half an hour later & my whole apartment was on the internet.
Just been watching Ladies Beach volleyball and there`s already been a wrist injury...but I should be ok in a couple days.