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Apparently somebody gets stabbed every 52 seconds...sucks to be that guy
Sometimes to much to drink is never enough
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
People with the loudest car audio systems usually have the worst taste in music.
I`m happy, but not "Oprah just told me to look under my chair" happy.
I`m fat, but I blame my dog for not exercising me enough.
Apparently some strangers don’t need a hug.
Once you have to start paying a babysitter every time you go out, you realize most friendships aren`t worth it.
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who really do.
Marriage is supposed to be permanent. It`s like a tattoo that yells at you.
Every time I`m about to win an argument with my wife, someone wakes me up...
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish-- wait, I just realized I`ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
I`m saving all my good posts for when I can think of some.
The "Beware of Cat" sign posted outside my house doesn`t seem to be having the desired affect.