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It’s proving very difficult to find a shop selling “Left Guard” for my other armpit…
I love that sound you make when you shut the hell up.
If you were a Pokemon, I`d choose you.
My ex girlfriend had a really weird fetish. She used to dress up as herself and then act like a f*cking b!tch all the time.
I don`t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
Life is what you make it = 10% Shit happens = 90%
Sometimes, talking to a woman requires a translator.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, "Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!"
Ten seconds of drug commercials are spent telling you what the drug is for and the rest is spent basically daring you to take it.
It`s hard to feel sorry for people when they get what they deserve.
Most of my colleagues and friends can`t spell colleagues or friends.
If I was antisocial I wouldn`t have just ordered a pizza over the phone.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
Reasons to date me: I laugh at my own jokes so you don`t have to.
I can`t wait to miss the upcoming season of American Idol.