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If your dog takes a dump on your floor and you clean it up, who owns who??
Got into a vicious battle with quite possibly the World`s Largest Spider. The outcome? Well, I`m updating my Facebook status this morning.... He isn`t.
Hey Samsung and Apple, no need for commercials. We’ve all chosen sides.
Some people have a natural talent for stupid. Others take that talent and actually ENHANCE it!
Being a pizza delivery driver is great because literally no one is disappointed to see you
Make a random stranger`s day by walking up to them and saying "This isn`t real. You have to wake up"
You’d think after all these beauty pageants, we would have world peace by now.
Went for a mile run today. Stupid Ice Cream Man just kept driving even though I was waving my money in the air!
Next time a conspiracy theorist says, "That`s what they want you to think," say, "No, but that`s what they wanted you to tell me."
I can cope with voices in my head but the voices outside my head drive me crazy.
WOULD YOU RATHER: have six arms or giant antlers? (You don’t really get a choice; the surgeons were just sort of curious.)
99 Days Facebook Free? Big deal! In 1999 I went a whole year without Facebook.
This is the only way I know how to correctly use a semi-colon ;)
People who think only god can judge them have obviously never hung out with my friends.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I`m bored of paying for things