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I want rich people problems. Like where to park my yacht.
Girls are like guitars: easy to strum, hard to tune
Look up from your phone… There’s some life going on around you.
Patient: "The problem is that obesity runs in my family." Doctor: "No, the problem is no one runs in your family."
Once I`m finished with this last container of Cool Whip, I will be the proud owner of a complete set of salad bowls.
There are many different ways one can save energy, but my favorite by far is this recliner.
The best part about living by myself is not having to explain why i fell asleep on the kitchen counter… naked… again..
People who get offended on the internet are the same people that take mini golf seriously.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, you’re probably really hot.
Are the unmarried employees at Kraft known as Kraft singles?
How does one get suspended with full pay and benefits? Asking for a friend who is actually me.
The bouncer from my local nightclub calls me Macauley Culkin because I always go home alone.
Rich people have rehab. Poor people have jail.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I`ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
I never think twice about helping others.In fact, I never think once about it.