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Let`s sleep in until it`s time to go to bed again
There are no winners the day following a green beer, corned beef, and cabbage binge.
If you are being attacked by a bunch of clowns the first thing to do is go for the juggler.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
The proper way to use a stress ball is to throw it at the last person to piss you off.
Iām not stupid. Iām just too lazy to show how smart I am.
Since you no longer have a calendar I`d like to notify all the Mayans that it has been one year since the end of the world.
Is snaxting a thing? Texting each other pics of your snacks? Cause I feel like Iād be pretty good at that.
I`m not the type of person you want to put on speaker during a phone conversation.
The key to my heart is shaped like a bottle opener.
What did the sushi say to the bee? Wasabi.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
I eat my salad without dressing because who has time to put on clothes...
The reason swans mate for life is because they don`t talk.
on a scale of 1-10 how honest are you? I would say 10 but then i would be lying!