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All my childhood invisible friends are probably doctors and lawyers now.
Maybe the reason Uncle Phil hated Will was because the first thing Will gave him was a $3700 cab ride bill from Philly to Bel-Air.
I think stupid people were put on this planet to test my anger management skills.
I really like it when women check me out, they seem to be able to work the register a lot better than men.
My business card is just a label I peeled off a beer bottle.
The best part about living in a small town is when I don`t know what I`m doing, someone else does.
The lottery is over $400 million. Sorry poor kids, no dinner tonight...
Anyone want to come over and watch porn on my new flat screen mirrior?
The closest I`ve come to being an athlete is using Adobe Acrobat.
When wearing a logo or clever t-shirt, make sure your rack looks good. No one likes reading stuff on a lumpy, wavy surface. You too, ladies.
How do I like my eggs? ... Ummm, in a cake
My favorite word is `apparently`. Makes anything sound sarcastic. He`s intelligent, apparently.
Turns out a crash diet doesn`t mean having vodka with every meal and falling down the stairs!
Finding out your ex got fat is like finding 20 bucks in your pocket. Not life changing but definitely puts a smile on your face.
Years ago I asked out the girl of my dreams. Today I asked her to marry me ... She said no both times