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I put the o in illiterate!
Driving would be much more entertaining if there were no yellow lights.
I accidentally spilled spot remover on my dog and now he’s gone.
FYI: The signs that say "Falling Rocks"....I tried it.....it doesn`t.
You can test my patience all you want, but I’m never going to pass.
Just in case you are wondering ... I did not go to Jared.
If I weren´t such an alcoholic I would throw my drink in your face
My favorite thing about naps is that I don`t have to talk to people during them
Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says "I think we got this joke wrong."
Strip search? ... Fine, but I`m going to need some background music.
The only complaint I have about being married is being married.
Keep reaching for the stars but please get a better deodorant.
There were 2 muffins in a muffin shop the first 1 says "I love being a muffin!" then the 2 muffin says ``Holy crap its a talking muffin!"
It should really be called teethpaste.
Only 3 more days until millions of people join the gym for a week.