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If it’s called tourist season, why can’t you shoot at them?
never be afraid to wipe twice
My Doctor says I`m a serious alcoholic, but I think I`m more of a funny alcoholic.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life`s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
Sports commentators need to stop saying penetrate
Congratulations! You`ve won a lifetime supply of air: Not valid under water, in space, when dead, or while choking.
Nothing is more heartbreaking than unappreciated sarcasm!
Some people just need to be clothes lined
If you have really strong opinions on subjects that you know very little about... then Facebook just may be the perfect thing for you.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
I try to do all my pooping at work. Cause if you can get paid to poop, you`d be a fool not to.
There`s no room in my life for B.S. ... Unless it`s burritos oand salsa
I wake up everyday planning to be productive and then a voice in my head says “haha good one” and we laugh and laugh and take a nap.
My last relationship was almost as complicated as the knot my pocket created with my headphones.
Calories: the little creatures that go into your closet every night and hem the waistline of all your clothes inch by inch