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How do they put the "do not walk on the grass" signs up?
Unlike milk, it is acceptable to cry over spilled beer.
I`m now fit to make my regular annual resolution. The accomplishment is the problem
Sometimes when I`m bored I crawl into a corner of my room and pretend I`m a person.
You can tell a lot from a woman by her hands. For instance, if they`re placed around your throat she`s probably slightly upset.
Wouldn’t exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them?
Went for a mile run today. Stupid Ice Cream Man just kept driving even though I was waving my money in the air!
You don`t have to be crazy to work here ... We`ll train you.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
Whenever I tell the cashier to ‘keep the change`, it takes everything in my power not to call them a filthy animal.
Being in the doghouse isn`t so bad if there`s enough beer in the bowl.
If the cup is only half full, I suggest buying a smaller bra.
You can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn`t come back, what you`ve lost is a normal pigeon.
Today`s the day I like to sneak onto the intercom at Walmart and say "would Jason Voorhees please report to aisle 13."
Oh really? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take to mind your own business