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Boobs are a lot like train sets, they were meant for kids, but dad always ends up wanting to play with them.
No one asks the tough questions, like why are drug dealers on the metric system?
It`s weird how we are all here because of boners
Dear, automatic flushing toilet, I appreciate the enthusiasm.... But I wasn`t finished.
I watched my first silent movie the other day. The kids weren`t there.
Coworker drank the last of the coffee and now he`s going to the clinic for a `work related` injury.
I wanna say something. I´m gonna put it out there. If u like it, u can take it, if you don´t, send it back. "I want to be on you"
Today I met one of those people on the bus that gets all pissed off when you put your finger in their mouth when they yawn.
Saw my ex with another guy at a bar last night. So I ordered a beer, took a few sips, walked over to their table, gave her date the rest of my drink and walked away... #leftovers
If it’s the thought that counts, then I should probably be in jail
Listening to the voices in my head, I’ve concluded that they’re having more fun than me.
I am a very very very bad influence ... In a good way.
Dear Lord, Thanks for making me funny. Especially since you didn`t give me much else to work with.
Friday. The golden child of the weekdays. The superhero of the workweek. The welcome wagon to the weekend. The famous F word we thank God for every week.
I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night…he hypnotized 7 guys…then dropped the mic on his foot and yelled F*CK ME ... what happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life