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So, I guess we’re just supposed to assume the number is 1-800-Ghostbusters?
It may not look like it, but I`m actually very handsome.
Always keep a note in your medicine cabinet that says, “I thought you were peeing?”
Just think about all the stuff you aren`t thinking about.
I`m "keeps a pair of underwear in the glove box because I don`t trust my farts anymore" years old.
People who don’t like pizza are people you don’t need in your life.
Everything I know about women, I learned from the Wizard of Oz. For example: If a woman sees a pair of shoes she wants, she`ll drop a house on the bitch to get them.
When I get a headache, I take 2 aspirins and keep away from children, just like the bottle says.
Meanwhile one million men got to enjoy a quiet afternoon at home without anyone nagging them.
Dear Car driving 40mph on the highway this morning. It`s only a 1/4“ of snow plus you have a "Jesus Fish" on your bumper. You`ll be just fine.
You can usually judge a women`s hotness by how many times your girlfriend calls her a whore.
That last phone call with my wife was so boring, I feel like I owe the NSA an apology.
Homes are 750 square feet larger today than they were 30 years ago. Unfortunately, so are most Americans.
"Better to be pissed off than pissed on!" Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I`m not angry or covered in piss.
There`s nothing a floored gas pedal and cranked music can`t cure.