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A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
I feel like I could give a great NBA locker room speech. "Guys, we`re all millionaires, none of this matters."
You can turn anything into a compliment if you`re delusional enough.
Apparently, you can only say "Look at you! You got so big!" to kids. Old girlfriends tend to get offended. Who knew?
I`m so scattered I don`t know whether I found this rope or lost my horse.
So what if I`m single now ... I mean it can`t be that hard to boil toast, can it?
I`ve probably spent a solid year of my life just staring into the refrigerator
The average power nap is 20 minutes. This works out well because I can fit 3 of them evenly into one hour.
My dentist said I grind at night. I was like, ok stalker.
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn`t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It`s causing quite a stir...
Tip of the day: Don`t piss off anyone who has unlimited access to your toothbrush.
Porn is the only type of entertainment where "not watching the whole thing" means it was good.
You don`t have to drink to have fun... Just have fun drinking!
all joking aside, think how many babies might be created tonight on valentines day
So there`s a t.v. show called, It`s Me or the Dog?.. I was disappointed to find out its not a game show where people guess who farted