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I just ended a long-term relationship today ... I’m ok though, it wasn’t mine.
You know your fat when you sit in the bath tub and the water in the toilet rises.
I have an awesome idea, but first I`ll need a zebra, bungee cords, jello, and a partner in crime. Any takers?
Halfway through singing a romantic ballad to my cat, it occurred to me that I`m going to die alone.
You know it`s way past your bed time when the 1-800-dial-a-hoe commercials come on.
Nothing makes you feel more insignificant than still having 85% battery at noon.
Synonym: Word used in place of the one you can`t spell.
There`s both a McDonald`s and a blood pressure machine at our Walmart. Circle of life.
I thought she asked if I was interested in an orgy. Turns out she really said "4G." My apologies to the lady at the Verizon kiosk.
If adult diapers are called Depends, then baby diapers should be called Definitely!!
Anyone else think there should be a sarcasm font?
Just got legitimately excited when I remembered I can pay a person to drive a pizza to my house
Where have you been all my life? Can you go back there?
"Please take a seat" was a bad introduction for a Kleptomaniacs` Anonymous meeting.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs. For a second, I thought, "Should I help?" Then I thought, "No...6 should be enough."