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How can so many movies be “based on real events” when no one farts?
I have an inferiority complex, but it`s not a very good one.
Hey Samsung and Apple, no need for commercials. We’ve all chosen sides.
There is no such thing as bad luck, there is good luck and life!
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
By the time I realized my parents were right, I had kids that didn`t believe me.
It`s shocking how much unhappiness is caused by the pressure to be happy.
If I could time travel, I`d make sure the guy who made up the word Walkie-Talkie got to name more things.
My greatest fear is that PMS is fake and this is my real personality.
You never know how dirty a song`s lyrics are until you hear a child sing them.
They say that alcohol kills slowly. So what! Who wants to be in a hurry?!?
didn`t get much sleep last night, I tried counting sheep but they kept cutting in line, confused the hell outta me!!
If someone threw a rock and knocked me off my donkey, would I be stoned off my a$$?
I’ve thought about running away as an adult way more than I did as a child.
Santa gets all the credit and I get all the debt.