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I love living single, drinking double, and sleeping triple.
I found out why I`m still single. Apparently, you have to go outside and let people see you.
Finding friends with the same disorder as you... priceless!
Life really is all down-hill once you get to big too ride in the shopping cart
I hope when the machines take over the world they start by fixing my cable.
If someone found a legit way to make penises bigger, no one would believe them.
If you have a parrot and you don’t teach it to say,”Help, they’ve turned me into a parrot”, you are wasting everybody’s time.
Whoever convinces blind people that they need sunglasses,, is one heck of a salesman....
Having to cash in my State Quarter Collection`s map for gas money is reaching a new low.
Let’s just call a vacation what it is: the opportunity to live like an alcoholic for a little while.
When I was a kid “The Server Is Down” meant your waiter was depressed.
So your baby doesn`t know any tricks at all?
Really, 6 more inches of snow today. My front yard is getting more action than me.
I wish I had Dora`s mom and dad, they let that girl go everywhere.
My whole life is based on a true story...