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An awkward morning beats a boring night.
Secretly adding a tablespoon of butter to everything he eats is my long-term exit plan.
I saw a midget carrying a tv to his car today. I said "hey, would you like some help with that plasma?" He said "f*ck off asshole, it`s an IPad!"
Better ingredients. Better pizza. Horrible acting. Papa Johns.
The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said bet you can`t hit me with a quarter!
my mom and I have so much in common..she doesn`t listen and niether do I :p
I`m Not Perfect. Your Not Perfect. But Together We Can Be a Perfect Sense of Humor LOL!
Guys be like, "Lets play 21 question." Girl: Ok, what`s your favorite color? Boy: Triangle, so you a virgin?
My coworkers are looking at me like they`ve never seen anyone tailgate before work.
You don`t have to drink to have fun... Just have fun drinking!
Just read someones status, "Today is the frist day of your life," Thats just stupid, mine was over 45 years ago.. If it was the frist day of your life you wouldn`t be able to read it... Dummy
I can see your camouflage pants, so they`re not working.
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it... turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
If a cop ever asks me to count from 100 backwards ...I just get in the back seat