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What I learned in college 1.Water bottles are a great way to hide vodka. 2. When your thirsty in the morning you will regret #1.
I think the guy who invented the word kumquats should have gotten to name more stuff!
finally joined craigs list. who wants to see my junk?
I don`t always say `oops`, but when I do, it`s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
Gym update: not there
Do you guys know there are "actual" people out there that don`t have a Facebook account? What the hell do they do all day?
Having sex is like doing FRACTIONS... It`s IMPROPER for the larger one to be on top.
I use a blender to make protein shakes in my office every day. That way when I use it to mix up a pitcher of margaritas no one even notices.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking!
What do the letters DNA stand for? National Dyslexics Association
I`m a fantastic secret-keeper because, deep down, I really don`t care enough to actually talk about it to anyone else.
The Internet: where no one is afraid to say the first thing that pops into their head.
Nicknames are way more fun when people don’t know they have them.
Pro tip: “Hold my drink” is not a proper response to “License and registration, please.” … apparently.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I`m in.